kickstarter, you teacher, you...

in a time like this, it would be so easy to focus on the negative, on the future, on what i DON'T have instead of all i do. this kickstarter campaign has been very interesting... an amazing teacher. its very nature cultivates the goal oriented mind - you set a goal, you work toward that goal, and if that specific goal isn't met by a certain time, you 'fail.' and then there's that whole layer of being dependent on other people valuing you and what you're doing enough to put time and energy and money into it in order to 'succeed'...

there are the people who support that you don't even know. there are the people who reveal how much they enjoy, appreciate, value, admire you and your work - and have secretly for quite some time. there are the avid cheerleaders. there are the bullies, hurling their own stuff at you. there are the close friends and family members who make not a peep. there are the close friends and family members who are your rock(s)...

it's hard to put yourself out there! it's hard to ask for help! it's hard to value yourself and what you do! it's hard to step forward and claim yourself as someone contributing to the whole in a field that is so devalued, thought of as selfish, and not considered a vital aspect of society and the cultivation of humanity as a whole! it's hard to be working outside of convention!

these are not complaints in any way, shape, or form! they are an acknowledgement of the process - the whole process.

it would be so easy to focus on the negative, focus on what i don't have, focus on that goal...

i choose the opposite!

i choose to focus on the 64 people who have stepped forward in support of me and pledged. i choose to focus on the buckets and buckets of support - the facebook and email shares, the deeply kind words. i choose to focus on my amazing support system - the people in my life who are so there, no matter what. i choose to focus on this INCREDIBLE opportunity. i choose to focus on the teachings and growth. i choose to focus on the overwhelming generosity. i choose to focus on the incredible power of community.

even if this project isn't funded, it wasn't a waste. it's not a failure. it doesn't take away all of the amazing support so many people have shown in such huge ways.

ammie brod, teresa valley, jherek bischoff, jose amador, brett love, alex peters, ian lucero, ted gill, ian rashkin, alex guy, edward wolcher, samantha boshnack, c. glen williams, mark, vanessa dewolf, sarah lippek, alejandro iragorri, mark burton, keely isaak meehan, catherine weghorst boerner, kacey, jason kapalka, paul taub, emily batlan, katarzyna, michele khazak, steve, bruce c. mitchell, alice, eddie grant, valerie holt, monica schley, paige barnes, melissa parson, christopher h. svara, jim kent, richelle gay, karl thunemann, amanda, judy and ed huston, milton, tamara weikel, robert mitchell, ben zamora, katie chevalier, rosa vissers, maria scherer wilson, paul budraitis, christin, andrew boscardin, anthony bacus, krk nordenstrom, jeffrey huston, adrienne, steve arntson, heather bentley, michael owcharuk and the seattle jazz composers ensemble, cynthia hughen, bfleenor, mandy greer, empeROAR fabulous, madeleine sosin rocha, thane keith...


i feel and appreciate your support WAY beyond the monetary...

i'm human, you're human, we're all human.
it is a shared experience.

DEEP GRATITUDE. IT IS AN HONOR.

days 10 and 11: trust and take care. it's okay not to know.

oh. right. the output of creative energy is different then the output of other kinds of energy... it is so incredibly fulfilling, it doesn’t seem like it could be the cause of such exhaustion, but it so is! and that is so okay! (and certainly not something to beat oneself up about)

after working and pushing myself generatively for 12 hours on monday, i woke up on tuesday with a migraine. a real doozy...

the first few days in the space were all about the physicality of the space – a sensory exploration, the moving in of things, and the beginnings of 2 large-scale installations. it was easy to feel progress. i could see it. but when you’re working in intangibles, (i.e. unrecorded music/sound/dance/performance), it can be so easy to forget what you’ve done within your process – to feel like you haven’t done anything in days! as i transition into explorations in other mediums, that funny little, “i haven’t done anything!” monster has started to (re)appear...

a couple days ago, i went on a furniture rearranging binge in the space just to have tangible evidence that i had in fact done something that day...slippery slope, paris...slippery slope...

it also seems to be becoming LESS clear what i am making and what i will be showing as i settle into week 2. at first glance, this is a bit unnerving. okay. perhaps more than a bit. but when i take a step back and really look at it, really look at the last year, really look at the last 11 days in the space, i realize it’s actually the most wonderful, amazing, glorious, spectacular, exciting thing that could be happening! it means i’m in uncharted territory within myself and my creativity! it means i’m in a genuine conversation with the space! it means i’m truly open, truly experimenting and in a state of discovery!

with all of this (and my seething migraine) in mind, yesterday was dedicated to rest.
i watched 4 movies and ate my first real meal in days.


dear self,

be gentle with yourself.
eat well.
rest well.
leave room for the physical/mental/emotional toll that processing deep emotions, memories, wounds, and aspects of self takes.

love,
paris

with a temporary history of only dreaming about - not doing - the work, i often forget that it is just that – history. it is not my current reality. i am not lazy. i am a hard worker. i am walking my talk. breaks are necessary. vital. imperative. non-negotiable. i don’t have to fear that i won’t ever start again if i stop. this is now. and now. and now. and now...

i have grown. i am doing. i am giving her permission. i am showing up and doing the work. the real work. MY real work. i just have to keep doing it. and i will.

so i can trust myself and take care of myself already!

the threshold

from a group writing session - 7/10/11
prompt: at the threshold of a door to the outside – in the 3rd person
2 minutes

he looked out at the bright green pasture. open. free. limitless. he was in the safety of his home. comfortable. safe. it enveloped him. he didn’t want to leave out of fear. he wanted to take a step – and then another and another and another...
he wanted to run far and fast. lay (lie?) in the grass – feel the textures on his feet and hands, feel the sun and the open air. frolic even. yes, that’s right – he wanted to frolic. freely. he wanted freedom of expression. but he wanted to stay enveloped.

prompt: the threshold is crossed
2 minutes

he’s running.
he’s opening himself up – physically.
he’s aware of (and okay with) all of his body parts.

the doorway looks so small now. a small bubble where he tried to hide all his wounds.

if you hide your wounds, they turn on you – consume you, take you down, hold you there...

he’s running and light is pouring out of his wounds.

day 6? i think.

day 5 - oh, hello again.

in spring 2008, i created a week-long residency for myself at a friends cabin in oregon. no internet, no tv/movies, no phone. the intention was to create music for a show i was working on at the time (bridging wounds: staying the course of uncertainty). it's really not quite right to call this place a "cabin" - it's fancier then any place i've ever lived. i was in no means, "roughing it."

i spent at least 50% of every day absolutely PARALYZED with fear. not fear of being alone - i'm very comfortable there - not fear of being in the woods, in a new place, without distraction, or fear of making (or so i thought), but real fear - fear for my life fear. fear of every sound i heard that i didn't make. fear of a mask on the wall. fear of certain rooms - their doors had to stay closed. it would start in that transitional time when day is leaving and night is rising. i could see it, but i couldn't. a shadow. a darkness. following me, but never quite meeting me face to face.

at the time, i attributed that experience to being something in that place and 'moved on.'

in september 2010, i started working (by myself) in studio current - a place for body-based artists to create and be and rehearse their own projects, and be part of a community that meets and shares and discusses together. i was working to release my body to movement after 5 years of dormancy followed by 5 years of trying to find my way back to it. when i look back in my notebooks, i kept using the word 'EXTRACTION.' and my movements were representative of that process too - pulling strings out of my chest, grabbing chunks of skin and offering them from my center out into the room...

there were a few times when i found that shadowy presence lurking. i didn't relate it to what i had felt in 2008. it was brief. i'm never in the space for more then 4hrs at a time.

i have since danced with this presence - in duet. and it has even been acknowledged by a collaborator...i hadn't told her anything about these experiences, and one day after i moved while she made music, she called it out in her own words - that i was dancing, in duet, with this darkness....

now, being in PROJECT: space available, i am realizing this is all the same thing - this shadow, this darkness - in my dreams, and externalized in waking life when i am in this certain creative state, facing myself - it's me. or it's a part of me. it's coming from me...

so, instead of being paralyzed with fear, i've decided to call it out. acknowledge it. speak to it. write to it. stand ready and willing to face it. dance with it.

shadow: i see you. i feel you.

day 4

exhausted, dirty, proud.

day 3 - night session

now i really have no idea what day or time it is...
i stayed up working until 6am and then slept a few hours in the space.
i was just moving intuitively (hadn't planned to work all night and was only flirting with the idea of sleeping here), but in retrospect, it was EXACTLY what needed to happen.
spending time with the space without light and in a dream state dissipated my fears.
lovely.
now, i dig in.

ready.
excited.
here.

PROJECT: space available residency - day 3.

fear and time are funny things

this space is scary at night!!!! especially when going to the bathroom (which is in the hall just outside of the space itself), or leaving the building entirely. earlier, i held my pee for about an hour while psyching myself up to make it out the door.

what is that?? unknown, yes. in a busy area, yes. but it feels like more...

i'll just say this - the sage and candles and sweet grass have been burning...

and how is it that i can feel time so distinctly in a day and night sort of way in a space that has no windows...?? intriguing. so very interesting.

just noticing...

outside of my funny fear, THE SPACE IS AMAZING. i started the morning with a lovely dance class, then packed up a preliminary round of artifacts, tools, instruments, supplies, and spent the rest of the day/eve doing a bit of moving in.

i've heard it has been a crazy stormy day... (perhaps it still is?)

an entering...

new, yet familiar. always as someone else's. empty. full of possibilities. uncomfortable. cold. exciting. intimidating. i feel afraid to touch it...

the advantage? of witnessing and participating in other's processes.

how to claim? root down - but not too far, without too much hold. free reign and ownership with impermanence. remember to breathe.

(i keep forgetting to breathe)

people in transition.
spaces in transition.
measurements of time in transition.
endings and beginnings and the space in between...

i can do this.
i am ready.
i can do this.
i am ready.
i can do this.
i am ready.
i can do this.
i am ready.

i, adult paris, grant you, kid paris, the permission to be and grow. it is safe. you can come out. you can be cultivated. i am strong enough. i can protect you now.

what's your insecurity subtext?

aerial view

these grooves are deep - december 9, 2011 - tucson, az

i didn't kill her!!!

i didn't kill kid paris! i hid her (like in a closet somewhere...). to protect her.

she needs permission to come out. she needs to know its safe. i just have to give her permission...

(and the process continues...)

!!!

(re)found: ballet / summer / scorpion jellies

(re)found: mall performances

(re)found: saturday morning spot

re(found): duke drive

the street i grew up on.

(re)found: the desert

a hike with one of my oldest, dearest friends during this residency.

(re)found: my stats

do i feel shame around this?
yes.
do i want to?
no.

step one: acknowledge her existence.

(re)found: ruby slippers

my great aunt's shoes - altered by my mother with spray paint and sequins.

ruby slippers.
as in dorothy's shoes.
as in the wizard of oz.

these grooves are deep: the installation

an exploration and physical mapping of well-worn pathways in the brain. traveled through a meditative labyrinth walk, the map investigates the points of intersection and physical/emotional/mental effects of past on present, mind on body, body on mind.

a single string, over 1.5 miles long.
25 9" gutter nails.
25 sentiments/states/feelings/qualities/internal realities/relationships...














day 7 of the residency:
testing. to see what sort of stakes were needed.

day 8:
hammer in the points.

day 9:
walk. light. show.

i moved intuitively through the map, starting at OPEN. for the first hour or so, i focused on deep connections - well worn pathways - traveling between 2 points many times before refocusing on another connection. as the afternoon progressed, i tried to move through the map in broader strokes, connecting each point to a new point. i didn't have a determined point of end - the length of the string and how i intuitively traveled would dictate. i ended on (self) LIBERATED.

i should mention that the map was constructed in my parent's back yard.
this is not a house i have ever lived in.

i invited a small handful of people from my past to an open house that evening. these were relationships of all sorts - the lifelong close yet distant, the best friend, the former musical partner, the middle school bully...

the open house took place in the dark. i lit 100 tea candles and placed them throughout the map, inviting those who came to walk through at their leisure. i walked through too - answering questions, listening to individual commentaries.

at the end of the night there were 3 candles still lit - 2 at places intended to light string, 1 at the point: FEAR.

these grooves are deep: the residency

i have just returned from a 10-day residency in my hometown - tucson, az - spent excavating artifacts and relationships of my past.

i knew i had done a lot as a child - but the memories i have been letting myself access over the last 10 years barely reflected a mere sliver of that reality. i had blocked tucson paris out almost entirely. i had blocked child paris out almost entirely.

i rescued her just in time...

boxes upon boxes of photos, dance costumes, print ads i modeled for, hand bills of shows i acted in, cassette tapes of me singing and playing violin - practicing, performing...

i went to the dentist.
i got an eye exam.
i went to the mall because it was what my brother deeply wanted to do.
i had "christmas" with my family for the first time in 7 years.
i cried.
i counseled.
i listened.
i reminisced.
i played. (not like "playing" the violin - like "played" as in "playing" - you know, having fun, being childlike.)
i studied. myself, my past, my family, my former environment...

i also spent a lot of time interviewing my mother - about herself, about her past, about our extended family (who i am pretty disconnected from), about me and my past...

the residency culminated in an installation created (and left) in my parent's back yard - a mind map traveled - through creation - as a meditative labyrinth walk, shared by candlelight with figures of my past.

artifacts gathered and all discovered/uncovered/integrated will inform a subsequent performative installation, IDENTITY/PERSONA: symbols of the self (?), which will be developed and presented in a residency at PROJECT: space available in january/february 2012.

the 70's...

parents before they became parents.

coin collection (revealed)

my father's...

family portrait

does anyone's family ever change...?

theese grooves are deep

i am currently in tucson, arizona - where i spent the first 17 years of my life. this time, i have come back not only to see family and the small handful of friends i'm still in contact with, but to embark on an excavation of my past, my former self. there's seattle paris, and then there's tucson paris. they've never quite found a way to co-exist. seattle paris really hasn't liked tucson paris...she's been embarrassed and ashamed of her. deeply, actually. seattle paris resents tucson paris for growing up with a tv as her closest companion. seattle paris is embarrassed by tucson paris' years spent training in the art of regurgitation and 'perfection' vs. cultivating creativity and self generated creation. seattle paris ran away from tucson paris, nearly blocking out her entire existence in the process. it's time to re-find her. face her. accept her. love her.

THESE GROOVES ARE DEEP: an exploration and physical mapping of well-worn pathways in the brain of sound/physical artist, paris hurley. traveled through a meditative labyrinth walk, the map will investigate the points of intersection and physical/emotional/mental effects of past on present, mind on body, body on mind. december 1-10, 2011.

battle wounds

there is no substitute for time with chad

a few nights ago i had the great fortune of experiencing a work in progress showing of faye driscoll's latest piece: NOT...NOT. exploring definition(s) of beauty, investigating transformation through performance and the "slippage of the self"...all exquisitely communicated, so very satiating and right 'up my alley' - yet, the most powerful gift i took away from this experience was the reminder of the importance of time spent in the practice of your process...

i was so taken by faye and her counterpart, jesse zaritt's abilities to execute incredibly detailed, hyper-choreographed movements, expressions, sentiments, emotions...with striking precision while maintaining a feeling of real, unrehearsed, improvised. at one point during the piece, they faced each other wearing identical wigs and proceed to mirror each movement, expression, sentiment, even sound, as if one.

during the feedback / discussion part of the evening, someone asked faye about her relationship to these objects (referring to the pile of food, scarves, glasses, wigs, clothing, hats, and other miscellaneous items that had been utilized in various ways during the performance). she started by picking up one of the wigs from the mirrored duo saying, "well, there's chad...sometimes we spend a lot of time in chad...we can spend an hour in chad...sometimes it gets pretty weird!"

(she is incredibly charming on top of it all...)

this got me thinking about where i am in my process as a creator - as a generative artist - and especially where movement and non-violin dominant things are concerned...

i'll maybe brush up against chad - if i'm lucky - and then it starts to feel reaallly difficult. i look for distraction - maybe monica's next door, i should call my mom - that's part of this whole process of digging up the past, that's work...i eat a snack...i feel lost and like i just can't do it, like i don't know what i'm doing and have no business being in this space, with these opportunities...and then i feel so frustrated with myself because i know i have this thing trying to claw its way out.

it's in there. and it's massive. lifelong.
but it's in another language - one i don't quite speak.
i've felt completely daunted by the weight of deciphering because i've been missing what's right in front of my face. i've been looking for a shortcut...

there is no substitute for time with chad.

you can't wish or distract or skip your way around it.
there is no shortcut.
you just have to do the work.
you have to spend time with chad. in chad.
...lots of time.

PATIENCE.

face chad. face him head on. hang out with him. get to know him. swim around with him. do it more. and again. and again. and again. and again. and again. and again. and again...

yesterday's studio time looked very different then previous studio times of late. at the height of my panic / self-depricating slump, i decided to spend some time with chad...i set up some chairs and lights and my crappy android phone camera, placed a few cassette players around the space each playing a tape of a drone-y violin chord (which becomes this crazy delightful microtonal buzz once played out of the different old machines, each spinning at their own rate) and improvised around a simple score multiple times. over and over. back to back. without judgement. without reviewing in the moment.

it's raw. it's imperfect. it's many things...but it's real. it is where i am in the process. my process. and how great is that, really!? it just is. and it's certainly nothing to be so debilitatingly afraid and ashamed of. the real, raw, icky, beautiful process...

(dear self:) THERE IS NO SHORTCUT

YOU JUST HAVE TO DO THE WORK.

there is no shortcut around time spent in the practice of being in your process.

time and action - that is the formula.

have patience with yourself.

recognize that being in your process - where you are in your process at any given moment - IS everything.

it's a lifelong journey. be grateful for it.

what if there actually was this end point destination??
and you reached it...


those people you admire for really embodying something, for being masterful, for so clearly communicating through sound, movement, text, voice...they are where they are because of time spent in the practice of being in their process - and they're all searching and reaching for the next layer too...

there is no destination.
there is no shortcut.
you just have to do the work...

keep the channel open.

“there is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. the world will not have it.

it is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. it is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. you do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. you have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you. keep the channel open."

- martha graham
(via the ever-inspiring: lasara jarvis)

BRIDGING WOUNDS: transforming. PUBLICLY.

a new series of body-based performative installations by sound/physical artist, paris hurley, exploring an excavation of personal wounds and the deep dichotomy of wanting to hide yet needing to be seen.

(i think.)

the deep dichotomy of wanting to hide, yet needing to be seen...

it hasn't ever been that i don't have ideas...

it's a matter of not knowing how to channel them.