shame - in action.

shame is so interesting....SO INTERESTING. i am currently working on a piece about shame and about women. about women's participation in misogyny - in their own oppression. about my forming theory that shame is at the crux of why we (women) perpetuate these stereotypic roles and the unrealistic standards we're held to - the unrealistic standards we hold ourselves to...

i had this image of a wedding dress that gets rained on and dragged through the mud, collecting debris as a dance ensues, a path weighed down with burden is traversed...it's meditative. it's soft. it's heavy. it's trapped. at times, it's a bit violent.

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i got my hands on a wedding dress today. i put it on and started experimenting in the garden and surrounding areas where the piece is being built/shown. i took a photo of myself to document this process, this emerging character, an image of this dress in action, in its new environment. i took a few photos. and i decided i wanted to post one on facebook - to show process, and as promotion for these upcoming performances i have yet to officially announce. i struggled with which to pick - i wanted to show an accurate representation of what i'm working on, but i didn't want to show anything that could be objectified. because if it was objectified, it was my fault. i asked for it by wearing that dress in the first place, by showing some of my bare skin, by allowing myself to be in a photo and then publishing that photo.

wow.

there it is, right there - SHAME.

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shame means we don't allow ourselves to be beautiful. shame means we don't allow ourselves to be powerful. shame means we require ourselves to be beautiful. shame means the definition of beauty is very narrow. shame means put on makeup, do your hair, shave your legs, loose weight. shame means hide yourself - hide your uniqueness, your true self. shame means don't wear clothing that reveals your shape or your skin. shame means wear clothing that reveals your shape and your skin. shame means don't speak up. shame means don't be too good at anything, or at least don't advertise it. shame means don't need or want or seek being seen. shame means being seen equals fulfillment. shame means mold to the status quo. shame means rebel to the extreme opposites of the status quo. shame means don't be you. shame means i am bad...

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(*men experience shame too! i'm just more interested in how it affects women at this particular moment...)

patience and perseverance

last tuesday morning, i got real brave and went to an intermediate/advanced modern technique class. i flailed around, desperately trying to integrate the onslaught of information. my heart pumped. my muscles screamed. i felt an immense heaviness as i attempted to move about the space. i exceeded the point of exhaustion. tingling. dizziness. the feelings that come just before passing out... i sat out the end of the class with my head between my knees and left on the verge of tears. so defeated. feeling as if i was about to break.

i want to clear out space to dedicate myself to this thing i am TERRIBLE at?! i want to move further and further from the violin - a thing i have quite a bit of knowledge around and a natural ability with - to do more and more of this thing i am TERRIBLE at?!??

i left thinking - i am never going to another class like that again. ever.

a humor started to grow. images of myself flailing around, trying to keep up, trying to hoist myself into that rotating shoulder stand....increasingly more hilarious with each flashback.

for the rest of the week i teetered between focus, commitment, dedication and total defeat. perseverance. get this heart healthy. get this body in shape. work those physical muscles. exercise those creative muscles. EVERY DAY.

i decided to go back and try again this morning. willing to show up, work hard, let myself be where i am, not compare myself to the others in the class and basically flail around like an idiot in the spirit of perseverance.

much to my surprise after only one week of committing to myself and working in these ways, I DIDN'T HAVE TO PUT MY HEAD BETWEEN MY KNEES!!! i was picking up the phrases! and in some places, i was even finding flow, momentum, connections, starting to work with qualities and dynamics...!!

okay. i am officially a believer.

i am ready to commit.

i am committing.

i am committed.

patience and perseverance.

patience and perseverance.

an attempt to do. jump start?

i'm at a strange point in my residency...really, i have been for the last 2 weeks, which feels strange in and of itself because 2 weeks ago, i was at the halfway point - feeling like i had utilized this space / opportunity and my time in it to the fullest - and now, only 2 weeks remain. traveling to new york for the first week of this month was difficult. i am so thankful for that opportunity and the experience that ensued - if that whole doing something over thing really did exist, i would still choose to go - but it certainly put an interesting wrench into this residency...

as to be expected (as in all of life...), there have been many unforseen so called wrenches interrupting and informing this residency. whole versions of reality have been flipped on their head. bubbles, popped. invaded. dismantled.

i don't even feel inspired to write this blog post. i'm lacking presence. and i'm kind of all about presence...

tonight i somewhat forced myself to go actual grocery shopping for the 1st time in very nearly 2 months. i managed to put the groceries away, but i did not eat dinner, nor did i clean the kitchen (which also hasn't been tended to in very nearly 2 months)...

grief, emotional exhaustion, and creative exhaustion are very real and very big and not like other types of exhaustion - they take a lot longer then i few good nights of sleep to heal.

my bedside fern has died. it seemed to happen overnight. it was my most precious friend. i thought i was taking good care...

i have a lot of incredibly deep support in my life and i feel so very fortunate for this. so appreciative. so thankful.

i think i am building a giant web throughout the entire space. a ritualistic metaphor for the synthesis of selves (kid paris, tucson paris, seattle paris, travel paris, performer paris, musician paris, violinist paris, dancer paris, composer paris, singer paris, improviser paris....), the space between point a and point b, the interconnectivity of all, the pathways in our brains, the choices we make, our wounds and the bridges we build between them...

i think i am going to have an open studio hour every day for the remainder of my residency - an invitation to watch the daily transformation of the space and the building of the web.

i think it is now time for reading. and relaxing. and sleep.

perhaps tomorrow will include the cleaning of the kitchen and GASP, the actual preparing of food...

kickstarter, you teacher, you...

in a time like this, it would be so easy to focus on the negative, on the future, on what i DON'T have instead of all i do. this kickstarter campaign has been very interesting... an amazing teacher. its very nature cultivates the goal oriented mind - you set a goal, you work toward that goal, and if that specific goal isn't met by a certain time, you 'fail.' and then there's that whole layer of being dependent on other people valuing you and what you're doing enough to put time and energy and money into it in order to 'succeed'...

there are the people who support that you don't even know. there are the people who reveal how much they enjoy, appreciate, value, admire you and your work - and have secretly for quite some time. there are the avid cheerleaders. there are the bullies, hurling their own stuff at you. there are the close friends and family members who make not a peep. there are the close friends and family members who are your rock(s)...

it's hard to put yourself out there! it's hard to ask for help! it's hard to value yourself and what you do! it's hard to step forward and claim yourself as someone contributing to the whole in a field that is so devalued, thought of as selfish, and not considered a vital aspect of society and the cultivation of humanity as a whole! it's hard to be working outside of convention!

these are not complaints in any way, shape, or form! they are an acknowledgement of the process - the whole process.

it would be so easy to focus on the negative, focus on what i don't have, focus on that goal...

i choose the opposite!

i choose to focus on the 64 people who have stepped forward in support of me and pledged. i choose to focus on the buckets and buckets of support - the facebook and email shares, the deeply kind words. i choose to focus on my amazing support system - the people in my life who are so there, no matter what. i choose to focus on this INCREDIBLE opportunity. i choose to focus on the teachings and growth. i choose to focus on the overwhelming generosity. i choose to focus on the incredible power of community.

even if this project isn't funded, it wasn't a waste. it's not a failure. it doesn't take away all of the amazing support so many people have shown in such huge ways.

ammie brod, teresa valley, jherek bischoff, jose amador, brett love, alex peters, ian lucero, ted gill, ian rashkin, alex guy, edward wolcher, samantha boshnack, c. glen williams, mark, vanessa dewolf, sarah lippek, alejandro iragorri, mark burton, keely isaak meehan, catherine weghorst boerner, kacey, jason kapalka, paul taub, emily batlan, katarzyna, michele khazak, steve, bruce c. mitchell, alice, eddie grant, valerie holt, monica schley, paige barnes, melissa parson, christopher h. svara, jim kent, richelle gay, karl thunemann, amanda, judy and ed huston, milton, tamara weikel, robert mitchell, ben zamora, katie chevalier, rosa vissers, maria scherer wilson, paul budraitis, christin, andrew boscardin, anthony bacus, krk nordenstrom, jeffrey huston, adrienne, steve arntson, heather bentley, michael owcharuk and the seattle jazz composers ensemble, cynthia hughen, bfleenor, mandy greer, empeROAR fabulous, madeleine sosin rocha, thane keith...


i feel and appreciate your support WAY beyond the monetary...

i'm human, you're human, we're all human.
it is a shared experience.

DEEP GRATITUDE. IT IS AN HONOR.

days 10 and 11: trust and take care. it's okay not to know.

oh. right. the output of creative energy is different then the output of other kinds of energy... it is so incredibly fulfilling, it doesn’t seem like it could be the cause of such exhaustion, but it so is! and that is so okay! (and certainly not something to beat oneself up about)

after working and pushing myself generatively for 12 hours on monday, i woke up on tuesday with a migraine. a real doozy...

the first few days in the space were all about the physicality of the space – a sensory exploration, the moving in of things, and the beginnings of 2 large-scale installations. it was easy to feel progress. i could see it. but when you’re working in intangibles, (i.e. unrecorded music/sound/dance/performance), it can be so easy to forget what you’ve done within your process – to feel like you haven’t done anything in days! as i transition into explorations in other mediums, that funny little, “i haven’t done anything!” monster has started to (re)appear...

a couple days ago, i went on a furniture rearranging binge in the space just to have tangible evidence that i had in fact done something that day...slippery slope, paris...slippery slope...

it also seems to be becoming LESS clear what i am making and what i will be showing as i settle into week 2. at first glance, this is a bit unnerving. okay. perhaps more than a bit. but when i take a step back and really look at it, really look at the last year, really look at the last 11 days in the space, i realize it’s actually the most wonderful, amazing, glorious, spectacular, exciting thing that could be happening! it means i’m in uncharted territory within myself and my creativity! it means i’m in a genuine conversation with the space! it means i’m truly open, truly experimenting and in a state of discovery!

with all of this (and my seething migraine) in mind, yesterday was dedicated to rest.
i watched 4 movies and ate my first real meal in days.


dear self,

be gentle with yourself.
eat well.
rest well.
leave room for the physical/mental/emotional toll that processing deep emotions, memories, wounds, and aspects of self takes.

love,
paris

with a temporary history of only dreaming about - not doing - the work, i often forget that it is just that – history. it is not my current reality. i am not lazy. i am a hard worker. i am walking my talk. breaks are necessary. vital. imperative. non-negotiable. i don’t have to fear that i won’t ever start again if i stop. this is now. and now. and now. and now...

i have grown. i am doing. i am giving her permission. i am showing up and doing the work. the real work. MY real work. i just have to keep doing it. and i will.

so i can trust myself and take care of myself already!

there is no substitute for time with chad

a few nights ago i had the great fortune of experiencing a work in progress showing of faye driscoll's latest piece: NOT...NOT. exploring definition(s) of beauty, investigating transformation through performance and the "slippage of the self"...all exquisitely communicated, so very satiating and right 'up my alley' - yet, the most powerful gift i took away from this experience was the reminder of the importance of time spent in the practice of your process...

i was so taken by faye and her counterpart, jesse zaritt's abilities to execute incredibly detailed, hyper-choreographed movements, expressions, sentiments, emotions...with striking precision while maintaining a feeling of real, unrehearsed, improvised. at one point during the piece, they faced each other wearing identical wigs and proceed to mirror each movement, expression, sentiment, even sound, as if one.

during the feedback / discussion part of the evening, someone asked faye about her relationship to these objects (referring to the pile of food, scarves, glasses, wigs, clothing, hats, and other miscellaneous items that had been utilized in various ways during the performance). she started by picking up one of the wigs from the mirrored duo saying, "well, there's chad...sometimes we spend a lot of time in chad...we can spend an hour in chad...sometimes it gets pretty weird!"

(she is incredibly charming on top of it all...)

this got me thinking about where i am in my process as a creator - as a generative artist - and especially where movement and non-violin dominant things are concerned...

i'll maybe brush up against chad - if i'm lucky - and then it starts to feel reaallly difficult. i look for distraction - maybe monica's next door, i should call my mom - that's part of this whole process of digging up the past, that's work...i eat a snack...i feel lost and like i just can't do it, like i don't know what i'm doing and have no business being in this space, with these opportunities...and then i feel so frustrated with myself because i know i have this thing trying to claw its way out.

it's in there. and it's massive. lifelong.
but it's in another language - one i don't quite speak.
i've felt completely daunted by the weight of deciphering because i've been missing what's right in front of my face. i've been looking for a shortcut...

there is no substitute for time with chad.

you can't wish or distract or skip your way around it.
there is no shortcut.
you just have to do the work.
you have to spend time with chad. in chad.
...lots of time.

PATIENCE.

face chad. face him head on. hang out with him. get to know him. swim around with him. do it more. and again. and again. and again. and again. and again. and again. and again...

yesterday's studio time looked very different then previous studio times of late. at the height of my panic / self-depricating slump, i decided to spend some time with chad...i set up some chairs and lights and my crappy android phone camera, placed a few cassette players around the space each playing a tape of a drone-y violin chord (which becomes this crazy delightful microtonal buzz once played out of the different old machines, each spinning at their own rate) and improvised around a simple score multiple times. over and over. back to back. without judgement. without reviewing in the moment.

it's raw. it's imperfect. it's many things...but it's real. it is where i am in the process. my process. and how great is that, really!? it just is. and it's certainly nothing to be so debilitatingly afraid and ashamed of. the real, raw, icky, beautiful process...

i don't want to care

we rolled in sunday afternoon and went almost immediately to the beach. it was a super popular, mainstream beach and there wasn't a single woman with a single hair anywhere except the top of their heads and eyebrows. and of course, they all had totally gorgeous, flawless, tan bodies. i had planned to swim, but in that environment, with my hair, i went into shut down mode and ended up sitting on the beach, by myself, in the hot sun, crying, while everyone else swam in the magical adriatic.

little girl paris felt so very sad. she just wanted to go play and be free like everyone else.

i'm not like those women - most women - and it makes me feel like a man. i've held myself up to those standards of 'woman' my whole life. i've tried to manipulate and hide myself to present that image of 'woman' my entire life. i don't want to care. i don't want to feel gross. i'm not like that. i just don't look like that. and many women do - or else they're considered unattractive. a bigger part of me knows better and knows that that is not where true beauty lies, but the other part can be much much stronger and louder, especially when so directly faced with that aesthetic and observing the responses to it...

i've been exposing my legs (with hair) at the kultur shock shows (in the balkans!) and feeling totally empowered by it - so that's a huge personal victory. i'm trying to be easy on myself and the process...but there is still a large part of me that so wants to be that other kind of woman and so hates myself for not. i know i'm on the right path to accepting who i am and being comfortable with it and eventually loving all of myself (not just parts while despising the rest). some days, the struggle is more difficult than others...

yesterday i was asked: "what can you do to make a small victory?"
my instant response: "write about it and share it publicly. i don't want other people to feel this way about themselves. it is so destructive and so unnecessary..."

it's a process. it's a practice.

4 days off on the croatian coast is not exactly something you'd associate with fear and dread. yet, i find myself in exactly that place - the beach is not a place for someone with body issues.

i haven't owned a bathing suit in almost 10 years.

women aren't "supposed" to have body hair. or at least, you're unattractive and there's something wrong with you if you do. i used to spend so much time and energy and money on trying to remove every last hair from my body that wasn't "supposed" to be there (as a woman). i've spent the majority of my life trying to hide my body and its natural state(s) and show a constructed picture that only consists of the parts i can manipulate into being more "normal" - more like all other women - more attractive. i've spent the majority of my life thinking i'm disgusting, gross, and manly. i'm not like those other women. i don't have a 'perfectly' shaped, hairless body. and constantly holding myself up to those standards - those definitions of beauty and woman - has caused a deeply rooted hate of myself to grow.

i'm ready to dismantle that hate. i'm ready to dismantle those ideas. they're just ideas, afterall.

in october, 2010, i stopped shaving my legs. i figure the first step toward loving all of myself is learning to accept myself as i am.

this is incredibly difficult.

at first, every time i looked down at my legs, i was confronted with disgust and hate for myself. those pathways in my brain are well worn - the grooves are deep. it will take time and practice to make new connections.

i'm ready to make new connections. i'm working to make new connections. each time i have those thoughts of hate and disgust and deeply wishing i was like those other women, i tell myself i am beautiful. i say loving things to myself - instead of hateful.

i know better. i truly believe in beauty as the real and the raw, people being as they truly are - not a constructed facade of false unification. it's what i appreciate and value and find beautiful in others - yet, i have such a difficult time doing that with myself.

it's a process.
it's a practice.

i'm human. you're human. we're all human. it is a shared experience.

a layer (stay strong / don't yield / don't hide)

i get quite the gamut of stares during my travels throughout the balkans and in instanbul, in particular. a disturbing amount of men look at me either as if i'm an an object that exists only for them to toss around in whatever way they see fit, or with absolute disdain. i can't walk down the street or go to the bathroom at a roadside rest stop without experiencing one or the other - or both.

as difficult as that is to hold / navigate / let go of / stay strong in myself in spite of, it is no accident that i inhabit this body. it is part of my work. it is part of my dharma. who i am doesn't have anything to do with my physical appearance, but it is a vehicle from which to do my job. my real job.

enact social change.
highlight the unified human experience.
see and share the similarities through experiencing the differences.
educate.
empower.
lead by example - not by force.

comparison / recreation / presence

i'm experiencing a much deeper level of exhaustion this time. i don't even have the energy to go on exploratory adventures in the brief time not already spoken for, or interact with many people (even my bandmates) - both of which have previously been what fed me and got me through the difficulties of the road.

i'm finding that i don't know how to be - but in a totally different way then on previous tours. i feel so much more comfortable within myself, but i feel mentally torn between what i'm feeling now, what i've felt on previous tours, and shoulds. there's the key word right there - SHOULD. i feel like i SHOULD be interacting with audience members more. i feel like i SHOULD be exploring more during stolen moments of downtime. i feel like i SHOULD be connecting with people and my present environment more - i SHOULDN'T be spending so much time writing...

i'm just approaching this round differently. i'm doing a different kind of work. i'm communicating and connecting differently. i'm doing what i need to do to take care of myself so i can perform every night. i am where i am. this time, i need lots of rest and lots of personal time.

i'm attempting to stay connected in a new way - to bridge the gap between the worlds in a way i haven't done before.

i'm gaining perspective and understanding every day. it's not for nothing. i'm doing good work. i have no power if i'm exhausted.

release the SHOULDs. embrace yourself and where you are. move intuitively and trust yourself. you don't want to waste it. you won't waste it. it isn't wasted. it's just different.

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belgrade, serbia
the evening prayer is seeping through the window.

it's time. i'm ready. (and i'm only a lot scared.)

i have hidden from this for 18 months. 535 days, to be exact. i pushed myself to the edge of my abilities, to the place i no longer felt masterful, in control, or safe. i didn't touch my violin the entire time. i didn't even bring it to the theater. i got naked in front of friends and complete strangers (all at different stages of receiving / viewing from a wide array of perspectives - acceptance, love, judgement...) and layed out all of my insides - my wounds, my shortcomings, my hopes, my desires, my thoughts about myself and humanity. total exposure. absolute vulnerability. followed by - let's pretend this never happened and never speak of it again.

i worked until the last second. it wasn't finished. it was never finished. is anything like this ever finished? i demanded a lot out of a lot of people. who was i to do this? i didn't know what i was doing. i was the first to say, "i don't know what i'm doing."

i still don't know what i'm doing.

but after 535 days, the letting go of an old reality, and the acceptance of the process behind the building of a new one, i'm ready to face it.

i am going to watch the video of bridging wounds.

18 months after the premiere, i have tracked down a copy of the closing night's performance and i am going to watch it.

today.

right now.

(stop procrastinating)

BRIDGING WOUNDS: staying the course of uncertainty
presented as the inaugural performance of the LIVE AT THE FILM FORUM series - september 17/18/19, 2009

armpit sweat

stomach hair

i'm getting real brave and starting a new series called: i'm human too, and that's okay

it will document things about myself i don't particularly like, but am working to accept as part of my humanness.