process

shame - in action.

shame is so interesting....SO INTERESTING. i am currently working on a piece about shame and about women. about women's participation in misogyny - in their own oppression. about my forming theory that shame is at the crux of why we (women) perpetuate these stereotypic roles and the unrealistic standards we're held to - the unrealistic standards we hold ourselves to...

i had this image of a wedding dress that gets rained on and dragged through the mud, collecting debris as a dance ensues, a path weighed down with burden is traversed...it's meditative. it's soft. it's heavy. it's trapped. at times, it's a bit violent.

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i got my hands on a wedding dress today. i put it on and started experimenting in the garden and surrounding areas where the piece is being built/shown. i took a photo of myself to document this process, this emerging character, an image of this dress in action, in its new environment. i took a few photos. and i decided i wanted to post one on facebook - to show process, and as promotion for these upcoming performances i have yet to officially announce. i struggled with which to pick - i wanted to show an accurate representation of what i'm working on, but i didn't want to show anything that could be objectified. because if it was objectified, it was my fault. i asked for it by wearing that dress in the first place, by showing some of my bare skin, by allowing myself to be in a photo and then publishing that photo.

wow.

there it is, right there - SHAME.

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shame means we don't allow ourselves to be beautiful. shame means we don't allow ourselves to be powerful. shame means we require ourselves to be beautiful. shame means the definition of beauty is very narrow. shame means put on makeup, do your hair, shave your legs, loose weight. shame means hide yourself - hide your uniqueness, your true self. shame means don't wear clothing that reveals your shape or your skin. shame means wear clothing that reveals your shape and your skin. shame means don't speak up. shame means don't be too good at anything, or at least don't advertise it. shame means don't need or want or seek being seen. shame means being seen equals fulfillment. shame means mold to the status quo. shame means rebel to the extreme opposites of the status quo. shame means don't be you. shame means i am bad...

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(*men experience shame too! i'm just more interested in how it affects women at this particular moment...)

XERTUBE!!

the xertube is my new jam! these arms are getting ROCKED.

xertubing accompanied by episodes of the x-files = my new favorite thing.

patience and perseverance

last tuesday morning, i got real brave and went to an intermediate/advanced modern technique class. i flailed around, desperately trying to integrate the onslaught of information. my heart pumped. my muscles screamed. i felt an immense heaviness as i attempted to move about the space. i exceeded the point of exhaustion. tingling. dizziness. the feelings that come just before passing out... i sat out the end of the class with my head between my knees and left on the verge of tears. so defeated. feeling as if i was about to break.

i want to clear out space to dedicate myself to this thing i am TERRIBLE at?! i want to move further and further from the violin - a thing i have quite a bit of knowledge around and a natural ability with - to do more and more of this thing i am TERRIBLE at?!??

i left thinking - i am never going to another class like that again. ever.

a humor started to grow. images of myself flailing around, trying to keep up, trying to hoist myself into that rotating shoulder stand....increasingly more hilarious with each flashback.

for the rest of the week i teetered between focus, commitment, dedication and total defeat. perseverance. get this heart healthy. get this body in shape. work those physical muscles. exercise those creative muscles. EVERY DAY.

i decided to go back and try again this morning. willing to show up, work hard, let myself be where i am, not compare myself to the others in the class and basically flail around like an idiot in the spirit of perseverance.

much to my surprise after only one week of committing to myself and working in these ways, I DIDN'T HAVE TO PUT MY HEAD BETWEEN MY KNEES!!! i was picking up the phrases! and in some places, i was even finding flow, momentum, connections, starting to work with qualities and dynamics...!!

okay. i am officially a believer.

i am ready to commit.

i am committing.

i am committed.

patience and perseverance.

patience and perseverance.

meditation seat

directly behind me:
directly above me:
i plan to spend much time with this new friend over the course of this month...she has much to teach me...

lean into the discomfort

there is this recurring dream sensation that defines and eludes...i am running, but i'm not. it's not a heaviness as much as it's a lot of effort that isn't translating into the motion it 'should.' it's like my thighs are moving through cement. the lower half of my body feels very separate from its upper extension. it's much effort and energy and force translating into sluggish movements pushing through leaden air. i never run in my waking life. never. so/because this is what running feels like to me - all the time. there's a disconnect between what i logically know about the possibility of running through experiencing others doing it and my perception of its actual possibility within my own body. last saturday, in the freezing cold and rain, i danced in sand and water - an attempt to recreate, experience, and explore this dream sensation in my waking life. it was the closest i've come.

these and other explorations took place at golden gardens in seattle, wa with actor/director, paul budraitis on saturday, march 31, 2012. a short film will be made out of our experiments.

the new objective:

dear violin: can we just be friends?

for some time now, i have been struggling with my relationship to the violin. to playing the violin. to music. to playing other people's music. to making my own music. to art. to making art. to dance. to what i want to do and make. to why. to how... and i think i just figured a little more of it out.

i think it's time to take on dance as my lover and allow violin to shift from lover to oldest and dearest friend.

with this simple - yet within my world, totally radical - thought, a lot of things suddenly make a whole lot more sense. this deep internal unrest and nagging question of, "what am i doing??" instantly feels like a knot that's been loosened and now has the space to untangle, separate, release... if things are structured this way, i can allow my passion for dance to take root and grow, and i can let go of my old ideas around the violin, and subsequently music, that have rigidly kept them at the center of my universe - more out of habit, as a perceived symbol of self, and 'shoulds' then from a place of passion, curiosity, and deep fulfillment. by letting it walk next to me instead of held out in front as a symbol of all i am, there is more internal space. and even more powerfully, i can release the guilt that i've felt around this shift.

by letting this relationship actually be what it is (vs. trying to hold it to standards that are more about a learned perception of what it should be, or trying to hold onto it out of fear that i am nothing without it), it no longer causes the same kind of inner turmoil, it no longer takes something away from something else. i immediately feel my repulsion towards the violin, and therefore my misguided reactionary impulse to shun it entirely, subsiding. and i feel less attached to it as THE font, my ultimate contribution, my main form of expression and communication - a shoe that has not fit for some time now, which i interpreted as a lack of creativity, voice, and artistic 'ability' - and not as being the wrong shoe, or a shoe that actually belongs on the other foot, or just one of many shoes...

by letting go of this false sense of identity held in being a violinist, it feels so much less important whether or not i am a dancer.

i can just dance.

and by psychologically shifting my relationship with the violin and music to a deep friendship and lifelong partnership, i once again am able to see that i love music! i love making music! i love playing the violin!

but at night, i dream about dance. i see dance. i am making dances for other people. i am communicating through dance. i am dancing.

dear dance,

will you be my lover?

it doesn't have to mean forever...

love,

paris

questions, questions. confusion. clarity?

does anyone else have trouble identifying themselves as an artist? difficulty knowing what your process is? difficulty knowing what to do when you 'sit down' to create?

am i making something? what am i making? what is my practice? when i get into the studio, what do i do? what are my interests? how do i explore them?

on one hand, i feel very new to creating. on the other, i can look back and see that i have been involved in many creative processes - those of others and my own. what is this confusion? is this just a part of the process of creating? is it always like this, no matter how many years you've been doing it - how deep you've gone within yourself and your practice? or is this a sign of being a beginner?

i'm starting to think it's a bit of both.

as i do more and more, i'm coming to realize that i need tools - i'm in a tool gathering stage. observing and absorbing how others explore interests and inclinations, develop vocabulary, build phrases. this feels like a beginning stage. but, perhaps one that i will revisit repeatedly as i grow and evolve, as i exhaust the tools i have already spent much time exploring. musically, i'm realizing i don't think i have an interest in making albums or writing music for others to play (in terms of my own self generated projects - not in terms of what i participate in of other people's projects), but that my personal interests in music are in conjuncture with other mediums. music to be experienced aurally and visually. and perhaps in general, i'm interested in creating living cinema - a filmic experience for live audiences. at times, feeling like you are watching a film in person, and also as though you are in the film - in the experience that is unfolding.

maybe.

as i step into and own my creativity and desire to make, i simultaneously honor the groundwork i've been laying in this realm for the last 8 years, in particular, and realize that i'm a beginner. i've played music for many years in many contexts. i've danced for many years in many contexts. but i have not been flexing my creative muscles in a regular practice for very long at all. and it is a practice as much as any other.

exit ritual - oh, and massive amounts of growth, too.

these are my final moments in the space. i feel so full. any pain and sadness felt in the last 48hrs has melted away. i have restored the space and it is time to pass the torch. i am leaving the space in better condition then i found it, which feels really, really good. so often in my past i haven't accounted for or tended to the ending of something. i have procrastinated. i have resisted doing the work. i have burned myself out scrambling towards a goal (a performance, an application deadline...) rendering myself totally incapable of properly cleaning, restoring, moving, archiving, thanking, or taking care of the exit/ending/transition phase of a process. so often. more often than not. okay, really, probably, in every instance of 'after' to some degree throughout my life up until this point.

this time i planned well. i accounted for the ending, the exit, the transition. i built in a day off after my final performances. i built in a take down, pack up, move out day. i built in a space restoration day. and i built in a day to just be in the restored, neutral space to reflect, sing, dance, give thanks, celebrate over a home cooked meal with the people who have supported me throughout this process, and say goodbye.

not only did i plan well, but i actually followed this plan!! (which in this sense, is HUGE for me). i didn't procrastinate, drowning myself in internet tv and oven pizzas, until 4pm today then stay up all night stressed and crying, cutting corners, leaving without even being present for the goodbye...this is monumental for me. MONUMENTAL GROWTH.

and not only did i take care of my exit, it wasn't some huge struggle to take care of my exit! i just did it. without resistance.

and not only did i do it - without resistance - but i took care of myself and didn't burn out along the way.

and not only did i do it - without resistance - and while taking good care of myself along the way, i found a way to make an offering of thanks to those who had provided such massive support throughout this process.

!!!!!

i have been wanting to be this kind of person - the kind who does the work, who doesn't cut corners or make excuses, who takes care of their responsibilities, who acknowledges and gives back to those who have provided support. i have been working to be this person. for YEARS. and as of tonight i feel i can truly say: i am this person.

i think this is called maturing...facing, embracing, and stepping up to another aspect of my adulthood...who knew that giving kid paris / tucson paris the permission to come out of hiding would allow for new levels of interaction with my adult self...

i am so grateful...there are no words...

little ghosts

as the space is emptied, cleaned, and prepped to be painted, the infinitude of unrealized possibilities are starting to seep in and take hold - little ghosts of potential, haunting me. "i didn't take advantage of that enough! i wish i had... i wish i hadn't... i wish i could walk into the space for a 2-month process now. now, i'm ready. now, i would use my time and the space so differently."

i know better. i know i took full advantage of this opportunity every step of the way. i explored many nooks and crannies - within the space and myself. i turned things on their head. i experimented. i shared. i clarified. i ritualized. i actualized. i grew. wow, did i grow. i know that everything happened as it needed to. i feel proud of the process i underwent and am continuing to experience. i feel proud of what i created. i feel proud of how much i shared. and i know that all was necessary for my growth and evolution. i am where i am - in every moment. (where else is there to be? and why is it often so challenging to be okay with that?) it's actually really amazing that after 2 months time and clearing much of myself out of the space, i feel so inspired and flooded with interests for exploration.

all of these things are true.

haunt away, little ghosts.

you are seeds for the future.

this happens, too

no one talks about the process of dismantling. well, people do, i'm sure, but there is certainly much more focus put on beginnings, on creation, or on the 'product' yielded. the impermanence of time-based, site specific work is such an interesting twist in the process of creation...

there's always a sense of loss, letting go, acceptance, closure, and moving on at the end of a phase in any creative process. always. it's an inevitable and crucial part of the process. and yet for some reason, this difficult - and potentially debilitating - phase is the least talked about, shared, processed or accounted for. so often, this is the phase that destroys artists.

there is this general aversion to showing the process behind something - on either end of creation. don't go out of the house without your makeup on, without your hair done! you'd better shave those legs everyday. certainly don't let anyone see that you don't know what you're doing! don't let anyone see you in the process of figuring something out - that part of the process where you really don't know, and you just may (and most likely do) look or sound silly or inarticulate, that part of the process where you are discovering, clarifying, or refining... and when it's over, it's over. pack up. move on. there's nothing more to see or talk about or depict or share here.

it's such an interesting model we've created...one that places value on product over process and doesn't allow much room for that crucial time after something. it makes sense, i suppose - you see it everywhere in our culture. we are future and goal oriented. we strive for bigger, better, faster, stronger, more, more, more...results! find a person, get married, get a house, have children... go to elementary school, middle school, high school, college, get a job, produce, yield profitable results... but what's in the space between all of those landmarks? those 'destinations?' why is there this emphasis on hiding what is real and raw and constructing a neat and 'perfect' package for others to consume? why do we hide our humanness - one of the only things that is truly shared within our existence? by not actually processing pain, or endings, we do ourselves a great disservice and actually keep ourselves in our pain. in our past. defined and limited by our wounds...

this is my 2nd to last night of a 2-month performance/installation residency. last night, i dismantled my installation. i gathered up all of my tape players/recorders, pens, books, artifacts... i took down 250 photos of my childhood that were hung with string and tiny clothespins on a single wall. i removed my sheets and blankets, revealing the tan upholstery of the futon once again. i took down the lights i had hung. i removed each push pin, watched each string fall to the floor. i placed the ruby slippers handmade by my mother back into their boxes...

this was a bittersweet process. i felt life leave the room with each item removed. i left the room with each item removed. i felt a sense of loneliness - the deep kind. the kind that has nothing to do with how much love or support you actually have in your life. i ached for my family. somehow, having them on that wall meant i was having an intimate relationship with them. there, they knew how much i loved and appreciated them. the warmth and the transformational residue that had built throughout my 8 weeks in the space was instantly gone - a light turned out. part of me so wanted a distraction - internet tv or a companion in the space - so i could just go through these motions i was required to go through without feeling the sadness that accompanied them. a bigger/deeper part of me knew staying present was the answer.

take your time. be with the feelings that arise. no shortcuts.

today has felt very different. in just 12 hours, i let go of that sort of object oriented relationship with the space and feel a detachment starting. i feel more ready to leave. i packed up most of my things and loaded them into my car. the few remaining items will be used in tomorrow's exit ritual.

it will feel very strange to not get up and 'go to the office' everyday. i think that is one of the things i have valued most - that kind of daily purpose and direction.

everything feels exactly right. i am dismantling. and with dismantling, comes those feelings of loss, letting go, acceptance, closure, and ultimately, moving on. it's okay to feel those feelings and move through those states. healthy, even! honor, reflect on, hold space for, and share this part of the process as you would any other. oh, and take care of yourself in the process...

dismantling

evidence

an attempt to do. jump start?

i'm at a strange point in my residency...really, i have been for the last 2 weeks, which feels strange in and of itself because 2 weeks ago, i was at the halfway point - feeling like i had utilized this space / opportunity and my time in it to the fullest - and now, only 2 weeks remain. traveling to new york for the first week of this month was difficult. i am so thankful for that opportunity and the experience that ensued - if that whole doing something over thing really did exist, i would still choose to go - but it certainly put an interesting wrench into this residency...

as to be expected (as in all of life...), there have been many unforseen so called wrenches interrupting and informing this residency. whole versions of reality have been flipped on their head. bubbles, popped. invaded. dismantled.

i don't even feel inspired to write this blog post. i'm lacking presence. and i'm kind of all about presence...

tonight i somewhat forced myself to go actual grocery shopping for the 1st time in very nearly 2 months. i managed to put the groceries away, but i did not eat dinner, nor did i clean the kitchen (which also hasn't been tended to in very nearly 2 months)...

grief, emotional exhaustion, and creative exhaustion are very real and very big and not like other types of exhaustion - they take a lot longer then i few good nights of sleep to heal.

my bedside fern has died. it seemed to happen overnight. it was my most precious friend. i thought i was taking good care...

i have a lot of incredibly deep support in my life and i feel so very fortunate for this. so appreciative. so thankful.

i think i am building a giant web throughout the entire space. a ritualistic metaphor for the synthesis of selves (kid paris, tucson paris, seattle paris, travel paris, performer paris, musician paris, violinist paris, dancer paris, composer paris, singer paris, improviser paris....), the space between point a and point b, the interconnectivity of all, the pathways in our brains, the choices we make, our wounds and the bridges we build between them...

i think i am going to have an open studio hour every day for the remainder of my residency - an invitation to watch the daily transformation of the space and the building of the web.

i think it is now time for reading. and relaxing. and sleep.

perhaps tomorrow will include the cleaning of the kitchen and GASP, the actual preparing of food...

day 20 - impromptu showing

at around 3pm this afternoon, i decided to invite a few close friends to a snow day work-in-progress experiment / showing. i proceeded to spend the next 5 hours finishing the plastic wall, recording a 9 minute piece of music for spatialized cassette player orchestra and live voice, and creating a movement score.

I WAS SO NERVOUS.

and i'm not a person who gets nervous about performing - at least not with my violin in my hand.

thank you friends for letting me practice and experiment with you and for your warmth, kindness, and total support! i learned A LOT.

day 19 - office hours

days 17 and 18 (and probably 20 and 21 too)

building a plastic wall - 2 and a half of them, really...

kickstarter, you teacher, you...

in a time like this, it would be so easy to focus on the negative, on the future, on what i DON'T have instead of all i do. this kickstarter campaign has been very interesting... an amazing teacher. its very nature cultivates the goal oriented mind - you set a goal, you work toward that goal, and if that specific goal isn't met by a certain time, you 'fail.' and then there's that whole layer of being dependent on other people valuing you and what you're doing enough to put time and energy and money into it in order to 'succeed'...

there are the people who support that you don't even know. there are the people who reveal how much they enjoy, appreciate, value, admire you and your work - and have secretly for quite some time. there are the avid cheerleaders. there are the bullies, hurling their own stuff at you. there are the close friends and family members who make not a peep. there are the close friends and family members who are your rock(s)...

it's hard to put yourself out there! it's hard to ask for help! it's hard to value yourself and what you do! it's hard to step forward and claim yourself as someone contributing to the whole in a field that is so devalued, thought of as selfish, and not considered a vital aspect of society and the cultivation of humanity as a whole! it's hard to be working outside of convention!

these are not complaints in any way, shape, or form! they are an acknowledgement of the process - the whole process.

it would be so easy to focus on the negative, focus on what i don't have, focus on that goal...

i choose the opposite!

i choose to focus on the 64 people who have stepped forward in support of me and pledged. i choose to focus on the buckets and buckets of support - the facebook and email shares, the deeply kind words. i choose to focus on my amazing support system - the people in my life who are so there, no matter what. i choose to focus on this INCREDIBLE opportunity. i choose to focus on the teachings and growth. i choose to focus on the overwhelming generosity. i choose to focus on the incredible power of community.

even if this project isn't funded, it wasn't a waste. it's not a failure. it doesn't take away all of the amazing support so many people have shown in such huge ways.

ammie brod, teresa valley, jherek bischoff, jose amador, brett love, alex peters, ian lucero, ted gill, ian rashkin, alex guy, edward wolcher, samantha boshnack, c. glen williams, mark, vanessa dewolf, sarah lippek, alejandro iragorri, mark burton, keely isaak meehan, catherine weghorst boerner, kacey, jason kapalka, paul taub, emily batlan, katarzyna, michele khazak, steve, bruce c. mitchell, alice, eddie grant, valerie holt, monica schley, paige barnes, melissa parson, christopher h. svara, jim kent, richelle gay, karl thunemann, amanda, judy and ed huston, milton, tamara weikel, robert mitchell, ben zamora, katie chevalier, rosa vissers, maria scherer wilson, paul budraitis, christin, andrew boscardin, anthony bacus, krk nordenstrom, jeffrey huston, adrienne, steve arntson, heather bentley, michael owcharuk and the seattle jazz composers ensemble, cynthia hughen, bfleenor, mandy greer, empeROAR fabulous, madeleine sosin rocha, thane keith...


i feel and appreciate your support WAY beyond the monetary...

i'm human, you're human, we're all human.
it is a shared experience.

DEEP GRATITUDE. IT IS AN HONOR.

days 10 and 11: trust and take care. it's okay not to know.

oh. right. the output of creative energy is different then the output of other kinds of energy... it is so incredibly fulfilling, it doesn’t seem like it could be the cause of such exhaustion, but it so is! and that is so okay! (and certainly not something to beat oneself up about)

after working and pushing myself generatively for 12 hours on monday, i woke up on tuesday with a migraine. a real doozy...

the first few days in the space were all about the physicality of the space – a sensory exploration, the moving in of things, and the beginnings of 2 large-scale installations. it was easy to feel progress. i could see it. but when you’re working in intangibles, (i.e. unrecorded music/sound/dance/performance), it can be so easy to forget what you’ve done within your process – to feel like you haven’t done anything in days! as i transition into explorations in other mediums, that funny little, “i haven’t done anything!” monster has started to (re)appear...

a couple days ago, i went on a furniture rearranging binge in the space just to have tangible evidence that i had in fact done something that day...slippery slope, paris...slippery slope...

it also seems to be becoming LESS clear what i am making and what i will be showing as i settle into week 2. at first glance, this is a bit unnerving. okay. perhaps more than a bit. but when i take a step back and really look at it, really look at the last year, really look at the last 11 days in the space, i realize it’s actually the most wonderful, amazing, glorious, spectacular, exciting thing that could be happening! it means i’m in uncharted territory within myself and my creativity! it means i’m in a genuine conversation with the space! it means i’m truly open, truly experimenting and in a state of discovery!

with all of this (and my seething migraine) in mind, yesterday was dedicated to rest.
i watched 4 movies and ate my first real meal in days.


dear self,

be gentle with yourself.
eat well.
rest well.
leave room for the physical/mental/emotional toll that processing deep emotions, memories, wounds, and aspects of self takes.

love,
paris

with a temporary history of only dreaming about - not doing - the work, i often forget that it is just that – history. it is not my current reality. i am not lazy. i am a hard worker. i am walking my talk. breaks are necessary. vital. imperative. non-negotiable. i don’t have to fear that i won’t ever start again if i stop. this is now. and now. and now. and now...

i have grown. i am doing. i am giving her permission. i am showing up and doing the work. the real work. MY real work. i just have to keep doing it. and i will.

so i can trust myself and take care of myself already!