lean into the discomfort

there is this recurring dream sensation that defines and eludes...i am running, but i'm not. it's not a heaviness as much as it's a lot of effort that isn't translating into the motion it 'should.' it's like my thighs are moving through cement. the lower half of my body feels very separate from its upper extension. it's much effort and energy and force translating into sluggish movements pushing through leaden air. i never run in my waking life. never. so/because this is what running feels like to me - all the time. there's a disconnect between what i logically know about the possibility of running through experiencing others doing it and my perception of its actual possibility within my own body. last saturday, in the freezing cold and rain, i danced in sand and water - an attempt to recreate, experience, and explore this dream sensation in my waking life. it was the closest i've come.

these and other explorations took place at golden gardens in seattle, wa with actor/director, paul budraitis on saturday, march 31, 2012. a short film will be made out of our experiments.

august 11 - 7:41am

falling.

new tiny brother, dad, jeff - clearing out the house. weight lifting, tests: in the water, walking through water, cutting through concrete with steel like water...

february 4 - 8:28am

watching a date in a bar. it was like i was on it and like it was on tv, then like i was coaching katie through it via text. i could see what was happening until i couldn't. i wanted to know. she bought him a drink and told him if she liked his story, he'd know. she caressed his leg with hers under the table as she said this. it went well and she was taking him home. i found them on the street. she had invited 3 other friends who all had dates that looked like them. they disappeared up the stairs. i was in a shoe(?) store. steve martinish type wanted a book from a few doors down. he wanted a particular edition - the one he had gone out of his way the night before to get me. i hadn't even looked in the bag yet, so he went to get it for himself. i was walking down the street trying to decide where to go. i felt alone. her place? his place? my place? i had the keys to all 3. i would be alone at any of them. i had a bag of my boots. i was barefoot and carrying my favorites in one hand. i kept looking through the bag to make sure i had them all. i couldn't tell. i couldn't see. i felt frantic. a man started following me and calling me dillion. he had long, stringy, silver hair. there weren't very many people on the street. it was like prudence street in tucson. i turned down one of the side streets without him noticing. it curved to the right. i could see him through the brush. i had that feeling like i couldn't run. i was half crawling, half running along the curve, praying he wouldn't see me, still frantically checking to see if i had all my boots.

[WOUND: to dream that you are wounded signifies grief, anger, or distress. you need to slow down and take time to heal. consider the location, size, and type of wound.]



[CORNERED: to dream that you are cornered signifies feelings of frustration and lack of control in making decisions. you may feel trapped. it indicates self-punishment.]



[SURGERY: to dream that you or someone else is undergoing surgery signifies the opening of the self and/or the need for emotional healing. you need to cut out or eliminate something from your life.]



[FEAR: to dream that you are scared indicates feelings of self-doubt, incompetence, and lack of control in your waking life. perhaps you are having second thoughts about a decision you've made. anger often masquerades as fear, so also consider issues about which you are angry in your waking life.]



[TRANSSEXUAL: to dream about a transsexual indicates that the masculine and feminine aspects of your self have been damaged. you may be unwilling to confront your shadow self.]



[CHASE: to be chased in a dream signifies that you are avoiding a situation you don't think is conquerable. it is a metaphor for some form of insecurity. in particular, to dream that you are chased by an animal represents your own unexpressed and unacknowledged anger which is being projected onto that animal. you may be running away from a primal urge or fear.]

january 16 - 9:10am

running through the streets with two others (for
exercise). it was someone else's idea and she was leading (sometimes from behind) without telling me which way to turn. frustrated. flailing.
she questioned turning up a dirt path. there was supposed to be a sleeping rattlesnake on the right - that's how we'd know we were on the right path. there were many anthills to walk over. i feared they would spring out and attack me as i walked over them. we came across the snake on the right. i didn't notice him at first. he was gigantic and coiled. i was too scared to pass by. imagined him waking up and lashing out as i did. the other two passed by. i turned around to go back the way we had come. i heard something shooting through the water. it made a wizzing, rattling, torpedo-like sound. it was him. i contemplated going back for the other two. he passed by me again.
i ran.

apparently, aeropostale is a clothing store for fancy kids - not a blond flexy dancer from the 80's - who knew?

i've started texting myself whatever half conscious synopsis i can muster when i wake up from a dream in the middle of the night.

6:05 am -

was trying to learn to dance again, frustrated and lost because i didn't know how to go about it, i didn't feel good at it. mom? suggested i call in aeropostale (totally 80's out blond in leotard who traveled between rooms doing showy 80's ish flexy moves). ended up in my mom's room on montecito (but not), was telling her (aeropostale woman) my background and asking how i get back into it, how to get it back. telling how i didn't think i had it anymore (but did). started noticing spiders in the corners of the room, more and more, big, they started swinging at me on strands of their webs as she spoke. i had to duck.