shame - in action.

shame is so interesting....SO INTERESTING. i am currently working on a piece about shame and about women. about women's participation in misogyny - in their own oppression. about my forming theory that shame is at the crux of why we (women) perpetuate these stereotypic roles and the unrealistic standards we're held to - the unrealistic standards we hold ourselves to...

i had this image of a wedding dress that gets rained on and dragged through the mud, collecting debris as a dance ensues, a path weighed down with burden is traversed...it's meditative. it's soft. it's heavy. it's trapped. at times, it's a bit violent.

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i got my hands on a wedding dress today. i put it on and started experimenting in the garden and surrounding areas where the piece is being built/shown. i took a photo of myself to document this process, this emerging character, an image of this dress in action, in its new environment. i took a few photos. and i decided i wanted to post one on facebook - to show process, and as promotion for these upcoming performances i have yet to officially announce. i struggled with which to pick - i wanted to show an accurate representation of what i'm working on, but i didn't want to show anything that could be objectified. because if it was objectified, it was my fault. i asked for it by wearing that dress in the first place, by showing some of my bare skin, by allowing myself to be in a photo and then publishing that photo.

wow.

there it is, right there - SHAME.

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shame means we don't allow ourselves to be beautiful. shame means we don't allow ourselves to be powerful. shame means we require ourselves to be beautiful. shame means the definition of beauty is very narrow. shame means put on makeup, do your hair, shave your legs, loose weight. shame means hide yourself - hide your uniqueness, your true self. shame means don't wear clothing that reveals your shape or your skin. shame means wear clothing that reveals your shape and your skin. shame means don't speak up. shame means don't be too good at anything, or at least don't advertise it. shame means don't need or want or seek being seen. shame means being seen equals fulfillment. shame means mold to the status quo. shame means rebel to the extreme opposites of the status quo. shame means don't be you. shame means i am bad...

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(*men experience shame too! i'm just more interested in how it affects women at this particular moment...)

XERTUBE!!

the xertube is my new jam! these arms are getting ROCKED.

xertubing accompanied by episodes of the x-files = my new favorite thing.

dear violin: can we just be friends?

for some time now, i have been struggling with my relationship to the violin. to playing the violin. to music. to playing other people's music. to making my own music. to art. to making art. to dance. to what i want to do and make. to why. to how... and i think i just figured a little more of it out.

i think it's time to take on dance as my lover and allow violin to shift from lover to oldest and dearest friend.

with this simple - yet within my world, totally radical - thought, a lot of things suddenly make a whole lot more sense. this deep internal unrest and nagging question of, "what am i doing??" instantly feels like a knot that's been loosened and now has the space to untangle, separate, release... if things are structured this way, i can allow my passion for dance to take root and grow, and i can let go of my old ideas around the violin, and subsequently music, that have rigidly kept them at the center of my universe - more out of habit, as a perceived symbol of self, and 'shoulds' then from a place of passion, curiosity, and deep fulfillment. by letting it walk next to me instead of held out in front as a symbol of all i am, there is more internal space. and even more powerfully, i can release the guilt that i've felt around this shift.

by letting this relationship actually be what it is (vs. trying to hold it to standards that are more about a learned perception of what it should be, or trying to hold onto it out of fear that i am nothing without it), it no longer causes the same kind of inner turmoil, it no longer takes something away from something else. i immediately feel my repulsion towards the violin, and therefore my misguided reactionary impulse to shun it entirely, subsiding. and i feel less attached to it as THE font, my ultimate contribution, my main form of expression and communication - a shoe that has not fit for some time now, which i interpreted as a lack of creativity, voice, and artistic 'ability' - and not as being the wrong shoe, or a shoe that actually belongs on the other foot, or just one of many shoes...

by letting go of this false sense of identity held in being a violinist, it feels so much less important whether or not i am a dancer.

i can just dance.

and by psychologically shifting my relationship with the violin and music to a deep friendship and lifelong partnership, i once again am able to see that i love music! i love making music! i love playing the violin!

but at night, i dream about dance. i see dance. i am making dances for other people. i am communicating through dance. i am dancing.

dear dance,

will you be my lover?

it doesn't have to mean forever...

love,

paris

questions, questions. confusion. clarity?

does anyone else have trouble identifying themselves as an artist? difficulty knowing what your process is? difficulty knowing what to do when you 'sit down' to create?

am i making something? what am i making? what is my practice? when i get into the studio, what do i do? what are my interests? how do i explore them?

on one hand, i feel very new to creating. on the other, i can look back and see that i have been involved in many creative processes - those of others and my own. what is this confusion? is this just a part of the process of creating? is it always like this, no matter how many years you've been doing it - how deep you've gone within yourself and your practice? or is this a sign of being a beginner?

i'm starting to think it's a bit of both.

as i do more and more, i'm coming to realize that i need tools - i'm in a tool gathering stage. observing and absorbing how others explore interests and inclinations, develop vocabulary, build phrases. this feels like a beginning stage. but, perhaps one that i will revisit repeatedly as i grow and evolve, as i exhaust the tools i have already spent much time exploring. musically, i'm realizing i don't think i have an interest in making albums or writing music for others to play (in terms of my own self generated projects - not in terms of what i participate in of other people's projects), but that my personal interests in music are in conjuncture with other mediums. music to be experienced aurally and visually. and perhaps in general, i'm interested in creating living cinema - a filmic experience for live audiences. at times, feeling like you are watching a film in person, and also as though you are in the film - in the experience that is unfolding.

maybe.

as i step into and own my creativity and desire to make, i simultaneously honor the groundwork i've been laying in this realm for the last 8 years, in particular, and realize that i'm a beginner. i've played music for many years in many contexts. i've danced for many years in many contexts. but i have not been flexing my creative muscles in a regular practice for very long at all. and it is a practice as much as any other.

exit ritual - oh, and massive amounts of growth, too.

these are my final moments in the space. i feel so full. any pain and sadness felt in the last 48hrs has melted away. i have restored the space and it is time to pass the torch. i am leaving the space in better condition then i found it, which feels really, really good. so often in my past i haven't accounted for or tended to the ending of something. i have procrastinated. i have resisted doing the work. i have burned myself out scrambling towards a goal (a performance, an application deadline...) rendering myself totally incapable of properly cleaning, restoring, moving, archiving, thanking, or taking care of the exit/ending/transition phase of a process. so often. more often than not. okay, really, probably, in every instance of 'after' to some degree throughout my life up until this point.

this time i planned well. i accounted for the ending, the exit, the transition. i built in a day off after my final performances. i built in a take down, pack up, move out day. i built in a space restoration day. and i built in a day to just be in the restored, neutral space to reflect, sing, dance, give thanks, celebrate over a home cooked meal with the people who have supported me throughout this process, and say goodbye.

not only did i plan well, but i actually followed this plan!! (which in this sense, is HUGE for me). i didn't procrastinate, drowning myself in internet tv and oven pizzas, until 4pm today then stay up all night stressed and crying, cutting corners, leaving without even being present for the goodbye...this is monumental for me. MONUMENTAL GROWTH.

and not only did i take care of my exit, it wasn't some huge struggle to take care of my exit! i just did it. without resistance.

and not only did i do it - without resistance - but i took care of myself and didn't burn out along the way.

and not only did i do it - without resistance - and while taking good care of myself along the way, i found a way to make an offering of thanks to those who had provided such massive support throughout this process.

!!!!!

i have been wanting to be this kind of person - the kind who does the work, who doesn't cut corners or make excuses, who takes care of their responsibilities, who acknowledges and gives back to those who have provided support. i have been working to be this person. for YEARS. and as of tonight i feel i can truly say: i am this person.

i think this is called maturing...facing, embracing, and stepping up to another aspect of my adulthood...who knew that giving kid paris / tucson paris the permission to come out of hiding would allow for new levels of interaction with my adult self...

i am so grateful...there are no words...

little ghosts

as the space is emptied, cleaned, and prepped to be painted, the infinitude of unrealized possibilities are starting to seep in and take hold - little ghosts of potential, haunting me. "i didn't take advantage of that enough! i wish i had... i wish i hadn't... i wish i could walk into the space for a 2-month process now. now, i'm ready. now, i would use my time and the space so differently."

i know better. i know i took full advantage of this opportunity every step of the way. i explored many nooks and crannies - within the space and myself. i turned things on their head. i experimented. i shared. i clarified. i ritualized. i actualized. i grew. wow, did i grow. i know that everything happened as it needed to. i feel proud of the process i underwent and am continuing to experience. i feel proud of what i created. i feel proud of how much i shared. and i know that all was necessary for my growth and evolution. i am where i am - in every moment. (where else is there to be? and why is it often so challenging to be okay with that?) it's actually really amazing that after 2 months time and clearing much of myself out of the space, i feel so inspired and flooded with interests for exploration.

all of these things are true.

haunt away, little ghosts.

you are seeds for the future.

this happens, too

no one talks about the process of dismantling. well, people do, i'm sure, but there is certainly much more focus put on beginnings, on creation, or on the 'product' yielded. the impermanence of time-based, site specific work is such an interesting twist in the process of creation...

there's always a sense of loss, letting go, acceptance, closure, and moving on at the end of a phase in any creative process. always. it's an inevitable and crucial part of the process. and yet for some reason, this difficult - and potentially debilitating - phase is the least talked about, shared, processed or accounted for. so often, this is the phase that destroys artists.

there is this general aversion to showing the process behind something - on either end of creation. don't go out of the house without your makeup on, without your hair done! you'd better shave those legs everyday. certainly don't let anyone see that you don't know what you're doing! don't let anyone see you in the process of figuring something out - that part of the process where you really don't know, and you just may (and most likely do) look or sound silly or inarticulate, that part of the process where you are discovering, clarifying, or refining... and when it's over, it's over. pack up. move on. there's nothing more to see or talk about or depict or share here.

it's such an interesting model we've created...one that places value on product over process and doesn't allow much room for that crucial time after something. it makes sense, i suppose - you see it everywhere in our culture. we are future and goal oriented. we strive for bigger, better, faster, stronger, more, more, more...results! find a person, get married, get a house, have children... go to elementary school, middle school, high school, college, get a job, produce, yield profitable results... but what's in the space between all of those landmarks? those 'destinations?' why is there this emphasis on hiding what is real and raw and constructing a neat and 'perfect' package for others to consume? why do we hide our humanness - one of the only things that is truly shared within our existence? by not actually processing pain, or endings, we do ourselves a great disservice and actually keep ourselves in our pain. in our past. defined and limited by our wounds...

this is my 2nd to last night of a 2-month performance/installation residency. last night, i dismantled my installation. i gathered up all of my tape players/recorders, pens, books, artifacts... i took down 250 photos of my childhood that were hung with string and tiny clothespins on a single wall. i removed my sheets and blankets, revealing the tan upholstery of the futon once again. i took down the lights i had hung. i removed each push pin, watched each string fall to the floor. i placed the ruby slippers handmade by my mother back into their boxes...

this was a bittersweet process. i felt life leave the room with each item removed. i left the room with each item removed. i felt a sense of loneliness - the deep kind. the kind that has nothing to do with how much love or support you actually have in your life. i ached for my family. somehow, having them on that wall meant i was having an intimate relationship with them. there, they knew how much i loved and appreciated them. the warmth and the transformational residue that had built throughout my 8 weeks in the space was instantly gone - a light turned out. part of me so wanted a distraction - internet tv or a companion in the space - so i could just go through these motions i was required to go through without feeling the sadness that accompanied them. a bigger/deeper part of me knew staying present was the answer.

take your time. be with the feelings that arise. no shortcuts.

today has felt very different. in just 12 hours, i let go of that sort of object oriented relationship with the space and feel a detachment starting. i feel more ready to leave. i packed up most of my things and loaded them into my car. the few remaining items will be used in tomorrow's exit ritual.

it will feel very strange to not get up and 'go to the office' everyday. i think that is one of the things i have valued most - that kind of daily purpose and direction.

everything feels exactly right. i am dismantling. and with dismantling, comes those feelings of loss, letting go, acceptance, closure, and ultimately, moving on. it's okay to feel those feelings and move through those states. healthy, even! honor, reflect on, hold space for, and share this part of the process as you would any other. oh, and take care of yourself in the process...

IDENTITY / PERSONA: symbols of the self(?) - 2/19/12

our wounds

there are no words.
what a profound, transformational set of performances...
we are all wounded - this is shared.
universally.
that is so clear now.
more than ever before.

i shared.
you shared.
such deep mutual respect...
communal healing.
vulnerability.
our inner children.
children who are still children...

thank you all.
deeply.

thank you for sharing yourselves with me.
thank you for sharing your wounds with me - entrusting them to me.
i will take care.
immeasurable reverence for them all...
immeasurable reverence for you all...

what's your insecurity subtext?

the 70's...

parents before they became parents.

coin collection (revealed)

my father's...

family portrait

the deep dichotomy of wanting to hide, yet needing to be seen...

IDENTITY / PERSONA: symbols of the self (?)

so much of my (perceived) identity feels wrapped up in external symbols - the hair cut/color i spent years developing, the cowboy boots that rarely left my feet, my violin (that violin), being a violinist...

what happens when you let go? what's left? who's left?

currently, i sit in a body-based studio space whose mission is to foster inquiry, experimentation, and process. no violin. different shoes. new hair.

it feels monumental.

how can these symbols hold so much and yet mean nothing at all?
the tricks of the mind...
the tricks of the ego...

it feels very fragile - like a fawn taking its first awkward steps - and like it is so obviously exuding from every pore, i might as well be wearing a huge neon sign and yelling through a megaphone. transforming. publicly. elements of this are very uncomfortable and unsettling. yet, it somehow feels like a symbol of strength - a new level of willingness to be vulnerable born out of a new sense of self. true self.

...lesson after lesson in what great strength comes through vulnerability...

dismantle boxes

yesterday, i bought my first colored pencils - pastel pencils, to be exact - and my first notebook intended for free-writing/drawing, where order is not the objective and not knowing what i'm going to write or how i'm going to format/organize it before even making a mark is actually encouraged.





no judgement.
freedom.
clarification emerging...

UNITY

zagreb, croatia - april 14, 2011 - photo by guy davis

human buttons!!

i'm human, you're human, we're all human - it IS a shared experience

i am/want (to work on)

THE process
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facing myself
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independence
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self-sufficiency
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letting myself be bad at things
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experimentation with things i don't have command over
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facing my humanness, accepting it, valuing it
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definitions of beauty and perfection
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a space to suck
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growing up feeling anything but creative - thinking it wasn't in me, i wasn't capable of it - in constant immersion of activities with clear cut right and wrong, good and bad, success and failure: catholic church, ballet, classical violin, concerto competitions, seat checks in orchestra...
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i fear you? well then i'm going to walk toward you.
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i want to write. i want to dance. i want to work with sound in new ways. i want to experiment. i want to be self-sufficient in these ways. i want to eliminate excuses.
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i want to dismantle my relationship to violin/music/art/dance/what it means to be an artist/what work is or isn't/what i should or shouldn't be doing...
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letting myself be human - perfection and beauty in imperfection

themes of now (ongoing investigations)

do what you can with what you have
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make something out of nothing
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that's just an idea you have about yourself (that person, that thing)...what if you had other ideas about yourself? you could have other ideals about yourself. non-attachment. let it go.
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exploring and sharing my humanness as part of my process and in the hopes of inspiring others to do the same - or their version of it - or at least allow themselves to be human
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self-sufficiency
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what are my definitions of / needs for comfort and home? how can i work with them?
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working with letting go of my ideas of perfection, letting myself create and then letting it be what it is, letting its imperfections be beautiful and important and inherently perfect, accepting it all as a part of the process
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sometimes the most growth comes from discomfort - but it's difficult to choose discomfort over comfort, to choose difficulty over ease - who does? what does that look like?
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non-attachment - space for things to enter
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aversion to discomfort
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independence without isolation - independence as a choice rather than an imposed state
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wanting to break down and redefine my relationship to the violin and music. i feel like it limits / restricts access to my creativity
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i desperately want to be an artist. i feel like i am an artist at my core, but i don't feel like i know how to be one now. yet. i don't feel like being a violinist is being an artist. why not? where does that come from?
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cultivate discipline - forcing myself to show up. show up and do your job.
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daily systems
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weekly systems
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i can't build until i know what i'm building!
(dismantle phase --- experiment/explore phase --- build phase)
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tapas: the hard work of healing
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"a genius is one who is most like himself" (thelonious monk)
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taking action without having the "perfect" system mapped out before even starting
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accountability to self
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make a decision, move in a direction
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wabi-sabi: the acceptance of transience. beauty that is imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete
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"i'm an immersion person"