stomach hair

i'm getting real brave and starting a new series called: i'm human too, and that's okay

it will document things about myself i don't particularly like, but am working to accept as part of my humanness.

that's just an idea you have about yourself

working to let go of all former ideas about who i am / what i want / where i'm going and be open to all possibilities. lots of exploration. a time of doing many things i formerly would have written off before even trying. actively making the choice to be happy and create the life i want vs. just thinking about it, choosing to be passive, choosing to be miserable...because it's a choice! it's all a choice! and all those things - they're just ideas i have about myself. ideas i have about who i am, who i'm not, what i like, what i don't like, what i should or shouldn't be doing...ideas i have about that thing or that person...just ideas...ideas created by the mind.

when you dismantle the illusion, what's left? what is reality? isn't it all just a perception, anyway? the mind creating a world, a bubble, a set of ideas and choosing to live in it?

"we protect ourselves against all possibilities."
ROBERT ASHLEY, from PERFECT LIVES

that's not 'you' - that's just an idea you have about yourself.

that's just an idea i have about myself.

that's just an idea i have about myself.

that's just an idea i have about myself.

those are just ideas i have about myself.

what if i had other ideas about myself? i could have other ideas about myself...

let go.

let it all go.

gifts from a wise woman

a scroll with a message - one for each show:

JUNE 20, 2010 - FOR THE PLANE LEAVING SEATTLE
never underestimate the power of one person's belief in something.

JUNE 22, 2010 - THIONVILLE, FRANCE
constant arrival -
constant departure...

JUNE 23, 2010 - BRUSSELS, BELGIUM
every obstacle is an opportunity.

JUNE 24, 2010 - NANTES, FRANCE
you are so much beauty.

JUNE 25, 2010 - PARIS, FRANCE
an emphasis on creativity gives rise to creative solutions to social problems.

JUNE 26, 2010 - STRASBOURG, FRANCE
what do you truly want?
what do you truly believe?

JUNE 27, 2010 - GENEVA, SWITZERLAND
dig deeper.
trust yourself.

JUNE 29, 2010 - LJUBLJANA, SLOVENIA
there are two universal languages: love and music...maybe they are actually the same thing.

JULY 2, 2010 - MOSCOW, RUSSIA
open your heart.
open your mind.

JULY 4, 2010 - PERM, RUSSIA
focus your intent.
EVEN MORE.

JULY 6, 2010 - PULA, CROATIA
growth is often painful.
i think that means you are doing it right.

JULY 7, 2010 - MARIBOR, SLOVENIA
good or bad - you can't get this day back.

JULY 9, 2010 - VRBOVEC, CROATIA
those around you need love - you have an infinite amount to give *hint hint* and it replenishes itself..

JULY 10, 2010 - NOVI SAD, SERBIA
liberate yourself and others will be inspired to do the same.

JULY 14, 2010 - TUZLA, BOSNIA
thank you for doing your job.
thank you.

JULY 15, 2010 - KRANJ, SLOVENIA
within one woman is every woman - within one man, every man - do for yourself what you wish for all.

JULY 16, 2010 - METLIKA, SLOVENIA
don't be afraid to change.

JULY 17, 2010 - CHIANCIANO TERME, ITALY
what you do to yourself you do to the world.

JULY 20, 2010 - ROME, ITALY
i love you.

JULY 21, 2010 - FOR THE PLANE TO SEATTLE
cheers to new beginnings!
BE WHO YOU ARE. NO EXCEPTIONS.
*welcome home*

unintentional experiment no. 4

WATCH PEOPLE CHOOSE SEATS AT A MOVIE THEATER

you know that whole choice beyond instinct thing i was talking about? well, here's a super interesting (and often hilarious) way to investigate it.

it can be so difficult to make the simplest, most fleeting decision...

get there early and sit in the back.

a theory

i once heard that the only thing separating humans from animals is choice beyond instinct. the level of truth in that is one thing - the implications, another.

choice beyond instinct really complicates things. it means possibilities are endless. it means possibilities are extremely limited. it means being able to ignore the true self, being able to spend seconds, weeks, years in / with / pursuing something that limits, something that detracts, something that promotes stagnation and sadness. it means being able to avoid situations / experiences / encounters that while seemingly fine / healthy / desirable / productive / fulfilling in the moment, are damaging down the line. it means the mind can take over. it means a reality can be chosen, avoided, or ignored altogether. it means informed choice - all avenues can be explored, all factors considered.

i think that's one of the secrets to being an evolved human, a wise human, a happy human: exercising choice beyond instinct without letting it get in the way of accessing instinct.

we don't want to let ourselves be human

yet we all are...

the apartment

i don't know what i'm doing.
i don't know where i am.
i desperately want to go 'home', but where is that? what is that?

i don't have one.
and i've exhausted every tactic i know to simulate feeling i am that no matter where i am.

the passing of time exists in two categories: eating or the space between

i'm so tired of experiencing everything publicly. yes, i'm aware of the irony.

i go to my car to land. it is the destination.
phew, i made it back to safety.
duck for cover, incoming...

i talk to myself out loud in public pretty openly now - without earphones. commentary to prove i do, in fact, exist outside of my own mind.

i haven't cooked a meal in months.

i'm out of toiletries and vitamins because i only packed for 32 days.
everything else is in a storage unit. two, in fact. one mine, one not.

i've only found 2 places i could live, would want to live. one was priced way above my means, the other i've applied for, but so have something like 10 other people and i'm what looked like 4th or 5th in line.

it feels like my entire future rests on getting this apartment.

what if i don't?