dismantle boxes

yesterday, i bought my first colored pencils - pastel pencils, to be exact - and my first notebook intended for free-writing/drawing, where order is not the objective and not knowing what i'm going to write or how i'm going to format/organize it before even making a mark is actually encouraged.





no judgement.
freedom.
clarification emerging...

UNITY

zagreb, croatia - april 14, 2011 - photo by guy davis

dear laundry experience:

what are you trying to teach me? what is the lesson? i know there's a lesson...

---

only 4 shows and 2 long flights remain. everything i have in tow reeks of cigarettes (FUCK INDOOR SMOKING) and i wanted something clean and comfortable to wear for the journey home. by some miracle, the hotel we're in has FREE laundry on the 4th floor! i was ecstatic.

---

back and forth, back and forth, back and forth...i have visited the laundry room 7 times over a 9 hour period.

my laundry is still not done.

all my whites have been dyed a faded purple-ish dirt color.
in all my years of doing laundry, i have never once put the red sock in with the white load...

this was one of the extremely rare nights i could have actually gotten 8 hours of sleep.
i got 5 and a half.

IT IS NOW IN THE DRYER - which feels like an incredible triumph.
after an hour, it is still very wet.
van call is in 1 hour and 20 minutes.

i imagine everything will shrink to toddler size as well - you know, for good measure.

---

WHY??????
what are you trying to teach me?
what is the lesson?
i know there's a lesson...

a layer (stay strong / don't yield / don't hide)

i get quite the gamut of stares during my travels throughout the balkans and in instanbul, in particular. a disturbing amount of men look at me either as if i'm an an object that exists only for them to toss around in whatever way they see fit, or with absolute disdain. i can't walk down the street or go to the bathroom at a roadside rest stop without experiencing one or the other - or both.

as difficult as that is to hold / navigate / let go of / stay strong in myself in spite of, it is no accident that i inhabit this body. it is part of my work. it is part of my dharma. who i am doesn't have anything to do with my physical appearance, but it is a vehicle from which to do my job. my real job.

enact social change.
highlight the unified human experience.
see and share the similarities through experiencing the differences.
educate.
empower.
lead by example - not by force.

lead by example

not by force

istanbul

from the mouths of our incredible hosts:

> as of about 1 month ago, no one under 24 can attend a concert of live music

> our (male) host was ARRESTED for wearing yellow skinny jeans

> conservatism is rapidly on the rise: in 1999, 17% of the women chose to observe the covering of their heads with scarves. today, that number has risen to 70% of the population. i am told this is done because it excites and agitates the men to see a woman's hair - which, clearly, they have made the woman's responsibility. there are 80 million people in turkey.

> 2958 women have been killed this year. (we are not even 5 months in.) they are being shot down in the streets and no one is doing anything about it.

[waiting for a flight from skopje, macedonia - istanbul, turkey. photo by amy denio]

comparison / recreation / presence

i'm experiencing a much deeper level of exhaustion this time. i don't even have the energy to go on exploratory adventures in the brief time not already spoken for, or interact with many people (even my bandmates) - both of which have previously been what fed me and got me through the difficulties of the road.

i'm finding that i don't know how to be - but in a totally different way then on previous tours. i feel so much more comfortable within myself, but i feel mentally torn between what i'm feeling now, what i've felt on previous tours, and shoulds. there's the key word right there - SHOULD. i feel like i SHOULD be interacting with audience members more. i feel like i SHOULD be exploring more during stolen moments of downtime. i feel like i SHOULD be connecting with people and my present environment more - i SHOULDN'T be spending so much time writing...

i'm just approaching this round differently. i'm doing a different kind of work. i'm communicating and connecting differently. i'm doing what i need to do to take care of myself so i can perform every night. i am where i am. this time, i need lots of rest and lots of personal time.

i'm attempting to stay connected in a new way - to bridge the gap between the worlds in a way i haven't done before.

i'm gaining perspective and understanding every day. it's not for nothing. i'm doing good work. i have no power if i'm exhausted.

release the SHOULDs. embrace yourself and where you are. move intuitively and trust yourself. you don't want to waste it. you won't waste it. it isn't wasted. it's just different.

---

belgrade, serbia
the evening prayer is seeping through the window.

sacred spiral

a symbol of personal power.
the process.
a connection to the source through ritual treatment of motion.

step up. do your job.

bucharest to sofia

a desolate highway
lined with prostitutes

teacher

what (you think) someone wants you to be vs. who (where / what) you really are.

we're fracturing and therefore no individual is nearly as powerful.

now, it feels so difficult in that screaming at a brick wall sort of way.

the weight and size and importance (and definition) of my REAL job is becoming clearer everyday.

don't push. just be. all you can do is do your job in every moment. do that. speak (difficult) truths. speak what you see. stand your ground.

lead by example - not by force.
lead by example - not by force.
lead by example - not by force.

possibility

double yoko - experiment no. 1

BETH FLEENOR: clarinets / voice / electronics
PARIS HURLEY: violin / tape players

double yoko is a constantly shifting time-based entity that strives to process individual and collective experience to encourage growth and healing. from project to project our work can include improvisations, through-composed pieces, installations and performance art, among other outlets.

---

recorded and mixed live by doug haire for sonarchy radio (KEXP - 90.3 fm)
jack straw studios
seattle, wa
march 26, 2011

connection

a message to those who don't respect the sacred exchange

do not intentionally and repeatedly move the mic from where i have placed it. do not push it into my face or violin. do not throw cigarettes at me. do not throw beer on me or my precious, irreplaceable instrument. do not film me inappropriately. and in case what i find inappropriate isn't clear: putting a camera inches away from my crotch, and/or trying to put it up my skirt far surpasses that line.

to those who so appallingly disrespected me: you have violated a sacred trust. i do not accept your violent behavior. next time, i will not hesitate to kick the camera out of your hand. know that i did not play for you.

BOUNDARIES

"armadillo...
armor all my boundaries,
teach me my shields,
reflect all the hurt,
so i will not yield.

armadillo wears its armor on its back, its medicine a part of its body. its boundaries of safety are a part of its total being. armadillo can roll into a ball and never be penetrated by enemies.

what a gift it is to set your boundaries so that harmful words or intentions just roll off. your lesson is in setting up what you are willing to experience. if you do not wish to experience feeling invaded, just call on armadillo medicine.

a clue to how to proceed is to make a circle on a piece of paper and see it as a medicine shield. in the body of the shield, write all that you desiring to have, do, or experience. include all things that give you joy. this sets up boundaries that allow only these chosen experiences to be a part of your life. these boundaries become a shield that wards off the things which are undesirable to you. the shield reflects what you are and what your will is to others on an unconscious level. outside of the shield you may put what you are willing to experience by invitation only, for example, a visit from a long lost relative, or criticism from friends, or people needing handouts.

if armadillo has waddled into the cards you chose, it is time to define your space. you may have been too willing to let your home become a bus station. you may find that you cannot say no even when you know that you will have to cancel plans to be obliging. this routine can get old in a hurry!

it may be time to ask yourself the following questions:
1 - am i honoring the time i need for my personal enjoyment?
2 - do others treat me like a doormat?
3 - why do i always get upset when i'm taken for granted?
4 - is there a reason for my being a "yes" person?

all of the answers to these questions relate to setting up boundaries: what you will and won't do; what makes you feel uncomfortable and what is comforting to you. how you react in any circumstance has to do with your ability to be objective. you cannot be objective if you cannot tell where the other person's personality stops and where yours begins. if you have no boundaries, you are like a sponge. it will seem as if all the feelings in a room full of people must be yours. ask yourself if you are really feeling depressed, or if this feeling actually belongs to the person you are talking to. then allow armadillo's armor to slice in-between, giving you back your sense of self."

---

you will respect me.
you will respect me as a fellow human.
you will respect me as a woman.
you will respect me as a musician.
you will respect my instrument.
you will respect my body.
you will respect how i choose to take care of myself in order to do my job - whether or not it is your way.

you will respect me.
you will respect me.
YOU WILL RESPECT ME.

and i will uphold my end of this sacred agreement night after night.

i am so incredibly honored to do this work. thank you for teaching me. thank you for respecting me. thank you for listening - in the deepest sense. thank you, thank you, thank you.

dance party for one: total liberation

so unbelievably honored to have played on both of these covers by the incredible jherek bischoff. he is just magical. so kind, so himself, so brilliant. one of my dearest friends and collaborators.

i have enjoyed many solo dance parties to these tracks...

THE TERMS: original song by X-RAY PRESS, cover by JHEREK BISCHOFF
The Terms (Jherek Bischoff version) by Jherek Bischoff
amy denio - sax
jherek bischoff - everything else!!

---

KULE KULE: original song by KONONO NO.1, cover by JHEREK BISCHOFF
Kule Kule (Orchestral Version) by Jherek Bischoff
released on TRADI-MODS VS. ROCKERS, CRAMMED DISCS (2011)
jherek bischoff - bass / cello
brianna atwell - viola
beth fleenor - bass clarinet
samantha boshnack - trumpet
fred hawkinson - trombone

human buttons!!

i'm human, you're human, we're all human - it IS a shared experience

it's time. i'm ready. (and i'm only a lot scared.)

i have hidden from this for 18 months. 535 days, to be exact. i pushed myself to the edge of my abilities, to the place i no longer felt masterful, in control, or safe. i didn't touch my violin the entire time. i didn't even bring it to the theater. i got naked in front of friends and complete strangers (all at different stages of receiving / viewing from a wide array of perspectives - acceptance, love, judgement...) and layed out all of my insides - my wounds, my shortcomings, my hopes, my desires, my thoughts about myself and humanity. total exposure. absolute vulnerability. followed by - let's pretend this never happened and never speak of it again.

i worked until the last second. it wasn't finished. it was never finished. is anything like this ever finished? i demanded a lot out of a lot of people. who was i to do this? i didn't know what i was doing. i was the first to say, "i don't know what i'm doing."

i still don't know what i'm doing.

but after 535 days, the letting go of an old reality, and the acceptance of the process behind the building of a new one, i'm ready to face it.

i am going to watch the video of bridging wounds.

18 months after the premiere, i have tracked down a copy of the closing night's performance and i am going to watch it.

today.

right now.

(stop procrastinating)

BRIDGING WOUNDS: staying the course of uncertainty
presented as the inaugural performance of the LIVE AT THE FILM FORUM series - september 17/18/19, 2009

philemon and baukis

i'm working on this piece by lou harrison for violin and javanese gamelan for a performance at the seattle asian art museum with local group, gamelan pacifica. the violin part is hand-written in standard western notation, but to read it as such, i have to de-tune my violin by approximately 1 half step and adjust intervalic spacing note-to-note. without frets, so much of violin playing is dictated by muscle memory. you memorize the hand shapes. you memorize where to place your fingers in relation to other fingers. you memorize how the spacing between 1st and 2nd finger in 1st position on the A string feels in your hand.

this piece poses 2 unique (and daunting!) challenges. 1: i have to listen differently. i have to hear pitch differently. i have to hear the relationships between pitches differently. i have to try to get inside of the sound of the orchestra, of the tuning, of the timbres, while setting on top of it as a soloist. and 2: i have to alter my hand shapes. i have to alter 22 years of muscle memory. i have to change and relearn the feeling of where to place 1st finger in relation to 2nd finger.

i have to suspend my aural and physical associations cultivated and built-in over nearly a lifetime of study.

it makes me consider what else i've spent nearly a lifetime cultivating - patterns, aspects of personality, reactions, likes, dislikes, ways of communicating (or not communicating)...and the resistance, difficulty, and huge fear often associated with enacting change. it helps me have compassion for myself around change, transformation, evolution, undoing, relearning...and it helps me also believe that it's possible. change is possible. change is positive. change is necessary. and the less resistance and fear i meet it with, the more ease and joy i can find in the process.

tuning reference no. 1:


tuning reference no. 2:

immersion composition society

ICS session - 2.9.11 - 4:30pm-12am








her_no.1
found amp / detuned electric bass / broken violin bow


her_no.2
2 cassette recordings of 'her_no.1' played/manipulated using 2 tape players (sans digital effects/manipulations)


her_no.3
violin / voice


her_no.4
cassette tapes i've found, made, or that have been given to me, played/manipulated live on 3 tape players / voice (sans pop filter................hello, oversight!)

precious gifts

thank you, you...

a dance. a recipe. a solo. 5 minutes. (maybe less)

february 4 - 8:28am

watching a date in a bar. it was like i was on it and like it was on tv, then like i was coaching katie through it via text. i could see what was happening until i couldn't. i wanted to know. she bought him a drink and told him if she liked his story, he'd know. she caressed his leg with hers under the table as she said this. it went well and she was taking him home. i found them on the street. she had invited 3 other friends who all had dates that looked like them. they disappeared up the stairs. i was in a shoe(?) store. steve martinish type wanted a book from a few doors down. he wanted a particular edition - the one he had gone out of his way the night before to get me. i hadn't even looked in the bag yet, so he went to get it for himself. i was walking down the street trying to decide where to go. i felt alone. her place? his place? my place? i had the keys to all 3. i would be alone at any of them. i had a bag of my boots. i was barefoot and carrying my favorites in one hand. i kept looking through the bag to make sure i had them all. i couldn't tell. i couldn't see. i felt frantic. a man started following me and calling me dillion. he had long, stringy, silver hair. there weren't very many people on the street. it was like prudence street in tucson. i turned down one of the side streets without him noticing. it curved to the right. i could see him through the brush. i had that feeling like i couldn't run. i was half crawling, half running along the curve, praying he wouldn't see me, still frantically checking to see if i had all my boots.

words from a 5 year old me

"now i'm gonna play you some hanukkah songs. these are really fun. these are like my most favorite to play."

"that was a fun little tune! and now, i'm gonna play another folk tune. and the speed is gonna go moderately. so, i'll play it kind of medium - kind of slow, kind of fast. you'll notice, also, that this is a little active tune, too."

"that was a dandy little tune! now, we're gonna play another song. it's a folk tune and it's in an allegretto speed."

"hi, grandma! i'm back again! now, i'm going to sing some songs for you like i told you i would. but i'm not gonna sing o christmas tree for you because i'm having a little problem with it. now, i'm going to sing one hanukkah song. it's called, my dreidel."

---

transcribed from a mixtape my parents made me for christmas - 90 minutes of myself singing and playing violin, ages 3-6. this portion was taken from a tape i made my grandmother when i was 5.

other gems include:

yamaha keyboard jams
classical violin jams for my grandparent's 50th anniversary
excerpts from a fiddle lesson
a voice lesson (age 3) where the teacher made me state words of my choice with increasing emotion:

pretty, prettier, prettiest
proud, prouder, proudest
calm, calmer, calmest
brave, braver, bravest

and

songs recorded at "center stage" (remember that recording studio in the malls for a while?) including:

the rose
somewhere over the rainbow
don't worry, be happy
cabaret
zing went the strings of my heart
jailhouse rock

[WOUND: to dream that you are wounded signifies grief, anger, or distress. you need to slow down and take time to heal. consider the location, size, and type of wound.]



[CORNERED: to dream that you are cornered signifies feelings of frustration and lack of control in making decisions. you may feel trapped. it indicates self-punishment.]



[SURGERY: to dream that you or someone else is undergoing surgery signifies the opening of the self and/or the need for emotional healing. you need to cut out or eliminate something from your life.]



[FEAR: to dream that you are scared indicates feelings of self-doubt, incompetence, and lack of control in your waking life. perhaps you are having second thoughts about a decision you've made. anger often masquerades as fear, so also consider issues about which you are angry in your waking life.]



[TRANSSEXUAL: to dream about a transsexual indicates that the masculine and feminine aspects of your self have been damaged. you may be unwilling to confront your shadow self.]



[CHASE: to be chased in a dream signifies that you are avoiding a situation you don't think is conquerable. it is a metaphor for some form of insecurity. in particular, to dream that you are chased by an animal represents your own unexpressed and unacknowledged anger which is being projected onto that animal. you may be running away from a primal urge or fear.]

january 16 - 9:10am

running through the streets with two others (for
exercise). it was someone else's idea and she was leading (sometimes from behind) without telling me which way to turn. frustrated. flailing.
she questioned turning up a dirt path. there was supposed to be a sleeping rattlesnake on the right - that's how we'd know we were on the right path. there were many anthills to walk over. i feared they would spring out and attack me as i walked over them. we came across the snake on the right. i didn't notice him at first. he was gigantic and coiled. i was too scared to pass by. imagined him waking up and lashing out as i did. the other two passed by. i turned around to go back the way we had come. i heard something shooting through the water. it made a wizzing, rattling, torpedo-like sound. it was him. i contemplated going back for the other two. he passed by me again.
i ran.

SQUASHED IMPULSES

investigate.

re-installed

clarity emerging...

this also happened

kultur shock recording session no. 15:

jherek and paris make an egyptian orchestra - 26 violin tracks: 3 octaves, 2 violins, one lady.

currently editing "choko" with special friends - vino and beetlejuice on vhs:




daylight come and me wanna go home...

yeah, winona. yeah.