Tuesday, November 30, 2010

i am/want (to work on)

THE process
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facing myself
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independence
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self-sufficiency
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letting myself be bad at things
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experimentation with things i don't have command over
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facing my humanness, accepting it, valuing it
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definitions of beauty and perfection
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a space to suck
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growing up feeling anything but creative - thinking it wasn't in me, i wasn't capable of it - in constant immersion of activities with clear cut right and wrong, good and bad, success and failure: catholic church, ballet, classical violin, concerto competitions, seat checks in orchestra...
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i fear you? well then i'm going to walk toward you.
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i want to write. i want to dance. i want to work with sound in new ways. i want to experiment. i want to be self-sufficient in these ways. i want to eliminate excuses.
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i want to dismantle my relationship to violin/music/art/dance/what it means to be an artist/what work is or isn't/what i should or shouldn't be doing...
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letting myself be human - perfection and beauty in imperfection

Monday, November 29, 2010

themes of now (ongoing investigations)

do what you can with what you have
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make something out of nothing
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that's just an idea you have about yourself (that person, that thing)...what if you had other ideas about yourself? you could have other ideals about yourself. non-attachment. let it go.
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exploring and sharing my humanness as part of my process and in the hopes of inspiring others to do the same - or their version of it - or at least allow themselves to be human
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self-sufficiency
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what are my definitions of / needs for comfort and home? how can i work with them?
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working with letting go of my ideas of perfection, letting myself create and then letting it be what it is, letting its imperfections be beautiful and important and inherently perfect, accepting it all as a part of the process
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sometimes the most growth comes from discomfort - but it's difficult to choose discomfort over comfort, to choose difficulty over ease - who does? what does that look like?
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non-attachment - space for things to enter
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aversion to discomfort
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independence without isolation - independence as a choice rather than an imposed state
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wanting to break down and redefine my relationship to the violin and music. i feel like it limits / restricts access to my creativity
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i desperately want to be an artist. i feel like i am an artist at my core, but i don't feel like i know how to be one now. yet. i don't feel like being a violinist is being an artist. why not? where does that come from?
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cultivate discipline - forcing myself to show up. show up and do your job.
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daily systems
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weekly systems
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i can't build until i know what i'm building!
(dismantle phase --- experiment/explore phase --- build phase)
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tapas: the hard work of healing
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"a genius is one who is most like himself" (thelonious monk)
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taking action without having the "perfect" system mapped out before even starting
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accountability to self
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make a decision, move in a direction
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wabi-sabi: the acceptance of transience. beauty that is imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete
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"i'm an immersion person"

Saturday, November 27, 2010

the reality of being a woman in music

check out this powerful piece by beloved friend/collaborator/badass, beth fleenor (clarinet(s), voice, percussion, composition, performance, installation, director of the frank agency - innovative arts management):

ALWAYS - MUSIC FIRST. REPEAT AFTER ME - MUSIC FIRST.


YES. THANK YOU.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

in the studio with kultur shock

lines
-or-
how to focus the mind, hour 46 of 49

i want to feel at home here

apparently, aeropostale is a clothing store for fancy kids - not a blond flexy dancer from the 80's - who knew?

i've started texting myself whatever half conscious synopsis i can muster when i wake up from a dream in the middle of the night.

6:05 am -

was trying to learn to dance again, frustrated and lost because i didn't know how to go about it, i didn't feel good at it. mom? suggested i call in aeropostale (totally 80's out blond in leotard who traveled between rooms doing showy 80's ish flexy moves). ended up in my mom's room on montecito (but not), was telling her (aeropostale woman) my background and asking how i get back into it, how to get it back. telling how i didn't think i had it anymore (but did). started noticing spiders in the corners of the room, more and more, big, they started swinging at me on strands of their webs as she spoke. i had to duck.

brain: externalized


Saturday, November 20, 2010

in hiding. or is it hibernation?

public vs. private - where's the line? how do i maintain a feeling of safety as i explore the depths - a process that pretty much guarantees the emergence of and near constant living as the worst versions of oneself - weak, raw, vulnerable, jealous, ugly, silly, insecure, self-deprecating, anything but masterful...

prior to about a year ago, i was never one to share anything but the most constructed, most in-command-over version of myself. if i didn't trust my opinion and feel very strongly about something, i wouldn't say anything at all. if i didn't know someone, i wouldn't speak to them for fear of what would come out of my mouth when put on the spot. if i hadn't rehearsed something 'sufficiently,' it wouldn't be seen or heard by anyone - or if i had to show it anyway, i would be absolutely mortified and go into hiding for weeks or sometimes even months after, until i was able to let it go and stop beating myself up for the disgraceful monstrosity i had released upon the world. oh, the embarrassment!

i am not so different now...

but i have been working with forcing myself to practice - and continue practicing - letting her out. letting her be silly, letting her try new things and be bad at them, letting her be super emotional, letting her just be without all the judgement - and then letting that be a public state of being - on the street, when meeting new people, when seeing shows, when showing work that is SO NOT DONE, when talking to people after a show, and now through this even more public vehicle. it's a practice to let myself be okay with the process, to let myself go through the process, to show the process...this post is a part of that practice - one i have hidden from for more then 2 months.

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loving this passage from julia cameron's "the artist's way" :

"we want to be great - immediately great - but that is not how recovery works. it is an awkward, tentative, even embarrassing process. there will be many times when we won't look good - to ourselves or anyone else. we need to stop demanding that we do. it is impossible to get better and look good at the same time."

IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO GET BETTER AND LOOK GOOD AT THE SAME TIME.

okay.