Tuesday, March 8, 2011

it's time. i'm ready. (and i'm only a lot scared.)

i have hidden from this for 18 months. 535 days, to be exact. i pushed myself to the edge of my abilities, to the place i no longer felt masterful, in control, or safe. i didn't touch my violin the entire time. i didn't even bring it to the theater. i got naked in front of friends and complete strangers (all at different stages of receiving / viewing from a wide array of perspectives - acceptance, love, judgement...) and layed out all of my insides - my wounds, my shortcomings, my hopes, my desires, my thoughts about myself and humanity. total exposure. absolute vulnerability. followed by - let's pretend this never happened and never speak of it again.

i worked until the last second. it wasn't finished. it was never finished. is anything like this ever finished? i demanded a lot out of a lot of people. who was i to do this? i didn't know what i was doing. i was the first to say, "i don't know what i'm doing."

i still don't know what i'm doing.

but after 535 days, the letting go of an old reality, and the acceptance of the process behind the building of a new one, i'm ready to face it.

i am going to watch the video of bridging wounds.

18 months after the premiere, i have tracked down a copy of the closing night's performance and i am going to watch it.


right now.

(stop procrastinating)

BRIDGING WOUNDS: staying the course of uncertainty
presented as the inaugural performance of the LIVE AT THE FILM FORUM series - september 17/18/19, 2009

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