Monday, April 11, 2011
i'm experiencing a much deeper level of exhaustion this time. i don't even have the energy to go on exploratory adventures in the brief time not already spoken for, or interact with many people (even my bandmates) - both of which have previously been what fed me and got me through the difficulties of the road.
i'm finding that i don't know how to be - but in a totally different way then on previous tours. i feel so much more comfortable within myself, but i feel mentally torn between what i'm feeling now, what i've felt on previous tours, and shoulds. there's the key word right there - SHOULD. i feel like i SHOULD be interacting with audience members more. i feel like i SHOULD be exploring more during stolen moments of downtime. i feel like i SHOULD be connecting with people and my present environment more - i SHOULDN'T be spending so much time writing...
i'm just approaching this round differently. i'm doing a different kind of work. i'm communicating and connecting differently. i'm doing what i need to do to take care of myself so i can perform every night. i am where i am. this time, i need lots of rest and lots of personal time.
i'm attempting to stay connected in a new way - to bridge the gap between the worlds in a way i haven't done before.
i'm gaining perspective and understanding every day. it's not for nothing. i'm doing good work. i have no power if i'm exhausted.
release the SHOULDs. embrace yourself and where you are. move intuitively and trust yourself. you don't want to waste it. you won't waste it. it isn't wasted. it's just different.
the evening prayer is seeping through the window.