Tuesday, August 30, 2011

a new chapter

i have been given the huge huge gift of studio time for the month of september. i am about to embark on my first solo studio time where movement is the focus. why does such great fear often accompany the doing of that which you most deeply want, that which is most deeply fulfilling? the mind is a powerful thing...a master of self-sabotage.

i am so quick to tell myself i don't have any ideas, or any value where creativity is concerned. i can interpret and breath life into other people's creations with mastery, but that is where my contributions and abilities cease. wow. really, paris?

recently a new thought has started to emerge...
what if my struggle actually comes from that fact that i'm so creative, have great innate aptitude in many mediums and am actually overwhelmed by all i'm deeply inclined to do (vs. the exact opposite - which is what i've always felt about myself / told myself)...?

then the question becomes - what do put my energy/work/self into developing???

perhaps this 'great innate aptitude' refers to potential, or an ability to skim the surface with some satisfaction and ease...
i have a great fear of / aversion to working through something. i'm quick to meet the place where that innate aptitude reaches its limit, say, "i don't know how," and give up. i've realized pieces of this for a while, attributing it to a fear of not being good enough or able - what if i really tried and worked at something and was bad at it...? but what if it's actually a fear of making the 'wrong' decision, a fear of commitment to myself...?

i want to really sink my teeth into something(s) - i'm ready to really sink my teeth into something(s) - but that will take much time and effort. i'll have to choose.

what do i want to do (truly, deeply, at my core)?
what are just my ideas about what i want to do (based on surface / external influences)...?

and then: how do i stay present and push through the surface - face the difficulty head on, dive into it, swim around in it, let it be messy and clumsy and un-calculated.............?

i know one important part of the equation: keep showing up.

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