Monday, August 1, 2011

it's a process. it's a practice.

4 days off on the croatian coast is not exactly something you'd associate with fear and dread. yet, i find myself in exactly that place - the beach is not a place for someone with body issues.

i haven't owned a bathing suit in almost 10 years.

women aren't "supposed" to have body hair. or at least, you're unattractive and there's something wrong with you if you do. i used to spend so much time and energy and money on trying to remove every last hair from my body that wasn't "supposed" to be there (as a woman). i've spent the majority of my life trying to hide my body and its natural state(s) and show a constructed picture that only consists of the parts i can manipulate into being more "normal" - more like all other women - more attractive. i've spent the majority of my life thinking i'm disgusting, gross, and manly. i'm not like those other women. i don't have a 'perfectly' shaped, hairless body. and constantly holding myself up to those standards - those definitions of beauty and woman - has caused a deeply rooted hate of myself to grow.

i'm ready to dismantle that hate. i'm ready to dismantle those ideas. they're just ideas, afterall.

in october, 2010, i stopped shaving my legs. i figure the first step toward loving all of myself is learning to accept myself as i am.

this is incredibly difficult.

at first, every time i looked down at my legs, i was confronted with disgust and hate for myself. those pathways in my brain are well worn - the grooves are deep. it will take time and practice to make new connections.

i'm ready to make new connections. i'm working to make new connections. each time i have those thoughts of hate and disgust and deeply wishing i was like those other women, i tell myself i am beautiful. i say loving things to myself - instead of hateful.

i know better. i truly believe in beauty as the real and the raw, people being as they truly are - not a constructed facade of false unification. it's what i appreciate and value and find beautiful in others - yet, i have such a difficult time doing that with myself.

it's a process.
it's a practice.

i'm human. you're human. we're all human. it is a shared experience.


Leila said...

I saw you play with Kultur Shock and I think you're absolutely beautiful... I couldn't keep my eyes off you! Obviously, because you're gorgeous, but also because you're such a fantastic violinist, you play with so much charisma.

I'm glad you're so brave and becoming more comfortable with yourself.

Lasara Jarvis : Live Person said...

Wait a minute... is there a woman out there who doesn't grow body hair? I'm pretty sure that most of us grow a shit-ton of it and then waste a good portion of our time trying to get rid of it.
Also, did I tell you that I didn't shave up through college? I would decide to shave but get sick of it after one leg. then I would walk around with one leg shaved and one hairy.