Tuesday, August 2, 2011

i don't want to care

we rolled in sunday afternoon and went almost immediately to the beach. it was a super popular, mainstream beach and there wasn't a single woman with a single hair anywhere except the top of their heads and eyebrows. and of course, they all had totally gorgeous, flawless, tan bodies. i had planned to swim, but in that environment, with my hair, i went into shut down mode and ended up sitting on the beach, by myself, in the hot sun, crying, while everyone else swam in the magical adriatic.

little girl paris felt so very sad. she just wanted to go play and be free like everyone else.

i'm not like those women - most women - and it makes me feel like a man. i've held myself up to those standards of 'woman' my whole life. i've tried to manipulate and hide myself to present that image of 'woman' my entire life.
i don't want to care. i don't want to feel gross. i'm not like that. i just don't look like that. and many women do - or else they're considered unattractive. a bigger part of me knows better and knows that that is not where true beauty lies, but the other part can be much much stronger and louder, especially when so directly faced with that aesthetic and observing the responses to it...

i've been exposing my legs (with hair) at the kultur shock shows (in the balkans!) and feeling totally empowered by it - so that's a huge personal victory. i'm trying to be easy on myself and the process...but there is still a large part of me that so wants to be that other kind of woman and so hates myself for not. i know i'm on the right path to accepting who i am and being comfortable with it and eventually loving all of myself (not just parts while despising the rest). some days, the struggle is more difficult than others...

yesterday i was asked: "what can you do to make a small victory?"
my instant response: "write about it and share it publicly. i don't want other people to feel this way about themselves. it is so destructive and so unnecessary..."

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