public vs. private - where's the line? how do i maintain a feeling of safety as i explore the depths - a process that pretty much guarantees the emergence of and near constant living as the worst versions of oneself - weak, raw, vulnerable, jealous, ugly, silly, insecure, self-deprecating, anything but masterful...
prior to about a year ago, i was never one to share anything but the most constructed, most in-command-over version of myself. if i didn't trust my opinion and feel very strongly about something, i wouldn't say anything at all. if i didn't know someone, i wouldn't speak to them for fear of what would come out of my mouth when put on the spot. if i hadn't rehearsed something 'sufficiently,' it wouldn't be seen or heard by anyone - or if i had to show it anyway, i would be absolutely mortified and go into hiding for weeks or sometimes even months after, until i was able to let it go and stop beating myself up for the disgraceful monstrosity i had released upon the world. oh, the embarrassment!
i am not so different now...
but i have been working with forcing myself to practice - and continue practicing - letting her out. letting her be silly, letting her try new things and be bad at them, letting her be super emotional, letting her just be without all the judgement - and then letting that be a public state of being - on the street, when meeting new people, when seeing shows, when showing work that is SO NOT DONE, when talking to people after a show, and now through this even more public vehicle. it's a practice to let myself be okay with the process, to let myself go through the process, to show the process...this post is a part of that practice - one i have hidden from for more then 2 months.
loving this passage from julia cameron's "the artist's way" :
"we want to be great - immediately great - but that is not how recovery works. it is an awkward, tentative, even embarrassing process. there will be many times when we won't look good - to ourselves or anyone else. we need to stop demanding that we do. it is impossible to get better and look good at the same time."
IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO GET BETTER AND LOOK GOOD AT THE SAME TIME.