Saturday, November 20, 2010

in hiding. or is it hibernation?

public vs. private - where's the line? how do i maintain a feeling of safety as i explore the depths - a process that pretty much guarantees the emergence of and near constant living as the worst versions of oneself - weak, raw, vulnerable, jealous, ugly, silly, insecure, self-deprecating, anything but masterful...

prior to about a year ago, i was never one to share anything but the most constructed, most in-command-over version of myself. if i didn't trust my opinion and feel very strongly about something, i wouldn't say anything at all. if i didn't know someone, i wouldn't speak to them for fear of what would come out of my mouth when put on the spot. if i hadn't rehearsed something 'sufficiently,' it wouldn't be seen or heard by anyone - or if i had to show it anyway, i would be absolutely mortified and go into hiding for weeks or sometimes even months after, until i was able to let it go and stop beating myself up for the disgraceful monstrosity i had released upon the world. oh, the embarrassment!

i am not so different now...

but i have been working with forcing myself to practice - and continue practicing - letting her out. letting her be silly, letting her try new things and be bad at them, letting her be super emotional, letting her just be without all the judgement - and then letting that be a public state of being - on the street, when meeting new people, when seeing shows, when showing work that is SO NOT DONE, when talking to people after a show, and now through this even more public vehicle. it's a practice to let myself be okay with the process, to let myself go through the process, to show the process...this post is a part of that practice - one i have hidden from for more then 2 months.


loving this passage from julia cameron's "the artist's way" :

"we want to be great - immediately great - but that is not how recovery works. it is an awkward, tentative, even embarrassing process. there will be many times when we won't look good - to ourselves or anyone else. we need to stop demanding that we do. it is impossible to get better and look good at the same time."



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