patience and perseverance

last tuesday morning, i got real brave and went to an intermediate/advanced modern technique class. i flailed around, desperately trying to integrate the onslaught of information. my heart pumped. my muscles screamed. i felt an immense heaviness as i attempted to move about the space. i exceeded the point of exhaustion. tingling. dizziness. the feelings that come just before passing out... i sat out the end of the class with my head between my knees and left on the verge of tears. so defeated. feeling as if i was about to break.

i want to clear out space to dedicate myself to this thing i am TERRIBLE at?! i want to move further and further from the violin - a thing i have quite a bit of knowledge around and a natural ability with - to do more and more of this thing i am TERRIBLE at?!??

i left thinking - i am never going to another class like that again. ever.

a humor started to grow. images of myself flailing around, trying to keep up, trying to hoist myself into that rotating shoulder stand....increasingly more hilarious with each flashback.

for the rest of the week i teetered between focus, commitment, dedication and total defeat. perseverance. get this heart healthy. get this body in shape. work those physical muscles. exercise those creative muscles. EVERY DAY.

i decided to go back and try again this morning. willing to show up, work hard, let myself be where i am, not compare myself to the others in the class and basically flail around like an idiot in the spirit of perseverance.

much to my surprise after only one week of committing to myself and working in these ways, I DIDN'T HAVE TO PUT MY HEAD BETWEEN MY KNEES!!! i was picking up the phrases! and in some places, i was even finding flow, momentum, connections, starting to work with qualities and dynamics...!!

okay. i am officially a believer.

i am ready to commit.

i am committing.

i am committed.

patience and perseverance.

patience and perseverance.