post rehearsal feet: muddy explorations

practice / experimentation: wielding the dress beast

crazy long wedding dress train making for '( _____ ) enough.' with the fantastic annie terrell

inspiration

process

shame - in action.

shame is so interesting....SO INTERESTING. i am currently working on a piece about shame and about women. about women's participation in misogyny - in their own oppression. about my forming theory that shame is at the crux of why we (women) perpetuate these stereotypic roles and the unrealistic standards we're held to - the unrealistic standards we hold ourselves to...

i had this image of a wedding dress that gets rained on and dragged through the mud, collecting debris as a dance ensues, a path weighed down with burden is traversed...it's meditative. it's soft. it's heavy. it's trapped. at times, it's a bit violent.

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i got my hands on a wedding dress today. i put it on and started experimenting in the garden and surrounding areas where the piece is being built/shown. i took a photo of myself to document this process, this emerging character, an image of this dress in action, in its new environment. i took a few photos. and i decided i wanted to post one on facebook - to show process, and as promotion for these upcoming performances i have yet to officially announce. i struggled with which to pick - i wanted to show an accurate representation of what i'm working on, but i didn't want to show anything that could be objectified. because if it was objectified, it was my fault. i asked for it by wearing that dress in the first place, by showing some of my bare skin, by allowing myself to be in a photo and then publishing that photo.

wow.

there it is, right there - SHAME.

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shame means we don't allow ourselves to be beautiful. shame means we don't allow ourselves to be powerful. shame means we require ourselves to be beautiful. shame means the definition of beauty is very narrow. shame means put on makeup, do your hair, shave your legs, loose weight. shame means hide yourself - hide your uniqueness, your true self. shame means don't wear clothing that reveals your shape or your skin. shame means wear clothing that reveals your shape and your skin. shame means don't speak up. shame means don't be too good at anything, or at least don't advertise it. shame means don't need or want or seek being seen. shame means being seen equals fulfillment. shame means mold to the status quo. shame means rebel to the extreme opposites of the status quo. shame means don't be you. shame means i am bad...

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(*men experience shame too! i'm just more interested in how it affects women at this particular moment...)

thoughts on performance - an argument for the importance of multiple performances of a work

in the performing arts, the evolution of the work continues through the performance itself. things happen in performance that just don't happen any other time. discoveries are made through each performance of a work that deepens the work, deepens the experience for the performer. through the repetition, it becomes a deeper meditation. there is a life that is breathed into a work when it is being witnessed that grows the work in a way creating and rehearsing in isolation just cannot. the accumulation and growth of knowledge about a work through the medium of the performance itself is so great that in every piece i have ever created or participated in of this nature, it is only after the last of multiple performances that i feel i know enough about the piece to perform it. after.

performance is not like many other art forms - it can be filmed and photographed, but beyond that, there is nothing tangible that has been created. there is no artifact to take with you. it is transient. it only truly exists for the span of the performance itself. and in filming a performance (which is very different than filming something that wasn't created for and presented to a live audience), the essence is lost. the spirit and energy coursing through the environment cannot be captured.

XERTUBE!!

the xertube is my new jam! these arms are getting ROCKED.

xertubing accompanied by episodes of the x-files = my new favorite thing.

notes from mr. washington...

patience and perseverance

last tuesday morning, i got real brave and went to an intermediate/advanced modern technique class. i flailed around, desperately trying to integrate the onslaught of information. my heart pumped. my muscles screamed. i felt an immense heaviness as i attempted to move about the space. i exceeded the point of exhaustion. tingling. dizziness. the feelings that come just before passing out... i sat out the end of the class with my head between my knees and left on the verge of tears. so defeated. feeling as if i was about to break.

i want to clear out space to dedicate myself to this thing i am TERRIBLE at?! i want to move further and further from the violin - a thing i have quite a bit of knowledge around and a natural ability with - to do more and more of this thing i am TERRIBLE at?!??

i left thinking - i am never going to another class like that again. ever.

a humor started to grow. images of myself flailing around, trying to keep up, trying to hoist myself into that rotating shoulder stand....increasingly more hilarious with each flashback.

for the rest of the week i teetered between focus, commitment, dedication and total defeat. perseverance. get this heart healthy. get this body in shape. work those physical muscles. exercise those creative muscles. EVERY DAY.

i decided to go back and try again this morning. willing to show up, work hard, let myself be where i am, not compare myself to the others in the class and basically flail around like an idiot in the spirit of perseverance.

much to my surprise after only one week of committing to myself and working in these ways, I DIDN'T HAVE TO PUT MY HEAD BETWEEN MY KNEES!!! i was picking up the phrases! and in some places, i was even finding flow, momentum, connections, starting to work with qualities and dynamics...!!

okay. i am officially a believer.

i am ready to commit.

i am committing.

i am committed.

patience and perseverance.

patience and perseverance.

andy goldsworthy

how have i not know about this man and his work before now?!? i can't count the times my jaw dropped when watching this film. i literally gasped at the magnificence and the beauty. multiple times. rivers and tides - a documentary following andy goldsworthy. SEE THIS FILM.

"when i make a work, i often take it to its edge of collapse...and that's a very beautiful balance."

"what lies below the surface effects the surface."

"words do their job, but what i'm doing here says a lot more."

he makes sculptures in nature using only materials he has found within that particular environment. they are all changed by time. some are incredibly transient - covered or washed away within only moments of completion. at times, he will spend hours with the work - meticulously building, crafting, shaping - only to have it all collapse before he has even finished.

what an incredible lesson in patience and dedication...i am in awe.

thank you, andy.

meditation seat

directly behind me:
directly above me:
i plan to spend much time with this new friend over the course of this month...she has much to teach me...

patience

my last residency had mice. this one has ants. giant ones.

"ant can carry a leaf over hundreds of miles just to get it back to the anthill. ants in africa will strip a forest bare when food is scarce, if it takes them a year. ant's medicine is the strategy of patience. ant is a builder like beaver, is aggressive like badger, has stamina like elk, scrutiny like mouse, and give-away like turkey.

every ant in an anthill is part of the ant 'group mind,' as all of the ants work for he queen ant and the hive. self-sacrifice is a part of ant medicine. greater than ant's other medicines, however, is patience.

ant people are active, community-minded folks who see the greater future needs of their town. ant people are planners, like squirrel, and are content to see their dreams being built a little at a time. in today's society that is a rare quality.

in the desert, one type of ant will burrow a conical hold with its apex at the bottom. the ant will cover itself and patiently wait for some unsuspecting insect to fall in. as the sand crumbles, the prey eventually falls to the bottom, only to find ant's open jaws.

patience does have its rewards!

ant people have a knowing about the sweet victory at the end of the line. there is never a concern about 'going without' if they are late for the opening of a sale. if what they want is sold out, they are sure that something equal or better is available.

if you have ant medicine, you eat slowly and deliberately and are content in knowing that 'what is yours will come to you.' this knowing is good medicine. it shows a trust in the universe to provide.

if ant meandered into your spread today, it is time to show a little trust and patience in some life situation. you may have forgotten that you will always receive that which you need, at the time you need it most. if it is not on the horion or just around the next anthill, you may need to use some strategy. how can you put to use your power of creation until 'it' arrives - whatever 'it' means to you at this time?

ant is working for the good of the whole. are you? if you are, be assured that the whole wants te same goodness for you, and that it will be provided."

lean into the discomfort

there is this recurring dream sensation that defines and eludes...i am running, but i'm not. it's not a heaviness as much as it's a lot of effort that isn't translating into the motion it 'should.' it's like my thighs are moving through cement. the lower half of my body feels very separate from its upper extension. it's much effort and energy and force translating into sluggish movements pushing through leaden air. i never run in my waking life. never. so/because this is what running feels like to me - all the time. there's a disconnect between what i logically know about the possibility of running through experiencing others doing it and my perception of its actual possibility within my own body. last saturday, in the freezing cold and rain, i danced in sand and water - an attempt to recreate, experience, and explore this dream sensation in my waking life. it was the closest i've come.

these and other explorations took place at golden gardens in seattle, wa with actor/director, paul budraitis on saturday, march 31, 2012. a short film will be made out of our experiments.

top five regrets of the dying

this photo was taken in a bathroom stall i visited to load up on toilet paper tissues at a memorial service last week. there are messages everywhere. sometimes, they are screaming.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bronnie-ware/top-5-regrets-of-the-dyin_b_1220965.html

the new objective: