Wednesday, February 29, 2012

exit ritual - oh, and massive amounts of growth, too.

these are my final moments in the space. i feel so full. any pain and sadness felt in the last 48hrs has melted away. i have restored the space and it is time to pass the torch. i am leaving the space in better condition then i found it, which feels really, really good. so often in my past i haven't accounted for or tended to the ending of something. i have procrastinated. i have resisted doing the work. i have burned myself out scrambling towards a goal (a performance, an application deadline...) rendering myself totally incapable of properly cleaning, restoring, moving, archiving, thanking, or taking care of the exit/ending/transition phase of a process. so often. more often than not. okay, really, probably, in every instance of 'after' to some degree throughout my life up until this point.

this time i planned well. i accounted for the ending, the exit, the transition. i built in a day off after my final performances. i built in a take down, pack up, move out day. i built in a space restoration day. and i built in a day to just be in the restored, neutral space to reflect, sing, dance, give thanks, celebrate over a home cooked meal with the people who have supported me throughout this process, and say goodbye.

not only did i plan well, but i actually followed this plan!! (which in this sense, is HUGE for me). i didn't procrastinate, drowning myself in internet tv and oven pizzas, until 4pm today then stay up all night stressed and crying, cutting corners, leaving without even being present for the goodbye...this is monumental for me. MONUMENTAL GROWTH.

and not only did i take care of my exit, it wasn't some huge struggle to take care of my exit! i just did it. without resistance.

and not only did i do it - without resistance - but i took care of myself and didn't burn out along the way.

and not only did i do it - without resistance - and while taking good care of myself along the way, i found a way to make an offering of thanks to those who had provided such massive support throughout this process.


i have been wanting to be this kind of person - the kind who does the work, who doesn't cut corners or make excuses, who takes care of their responsibilities, who acknowledges and gives back to those who have provided support. i have been working to be this person. for YEARS. and as of tonight i feel i can truly say: i am this person.

i think this is called maturing...facing, embracing, and stepping up to another aspect of my adulthood...who knew that giving kid paris / tucson paris the permission to come out of hiding would allow for new levels of interaction with my adult self...

i am so grateful...there are no words...

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