Wednesday, February 15, 2012

an attempt to do. jump start?

i'm at a strange point in my residency...really, i have been for the last 2 weeks, which feels strange in and of itself because 2 weeks ago, i was at the halfway point - feeling like i had utilized this space / opportunity and my time in it to the fullest - and now, only 2 weeks remain. traveling to new york for the first week of this month was difficult. i am so thankful for that opportunity and the experience that ensued - if that whole doing something over thing really did exist, i would still choose to go - but it certainly put an interesting wrench into this residency...

as to be expected (as in all of life...), there have been many unforseen so called wrenches interrupting and informing this residency. whole versions of reality have been flipped on their head. bubbles, popped. invaded. dismantled.

i don't even feel inspired to write this blog post. i'm lacking presence. and i'm kind of all about presence...

tonight i somewhat forced myself to go actual grocery shopping for the 1st time in very nearly 2 months. i managed to put the groceries away, but i did not eat dinner, nor did i clean the kitchen (which also hasn't been tended to in very nearly 2 months)...

grief, emotional exhaustion, and creative exhaustion are very real and very big and not like other types of exhaustion - they take a lot longer then i few good nights of sleep to heal.

my bedside fern has died. it seemed to happen overnight. it was my most precious friend. i thought i was taking good care...

i have a lot of incredibly deep support in my life and i feel so very fortunate for this. so appreciative. so thankful.

i think i am building a giant web throughout the entire space. a ritualistic metaphor for the synthesis of selves (kid paris, tucson paris, seattle paris, travel paris, performer paris, musician paris, violinist paris, dancer paris, composer paris, singer paris, improviser paris....), the space between point a and point b, the interconnectivity of all, the pathways in our brains, the choices we make, our wounds and the bridges we build between them...

i think i am going to have an open studio hour every day for the remainder of my residency - an invitation to watch the daily transformation of the space and the building of the web.

i think it is now time for reading. and relaxing. and sleep.

perhaps tomorrow will include the cleaning of the kitchen and GASP, the actual preparing of food...

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