our wounds

there are no words.
what a profound, transformational set of performances...
we are all wounded - this is shared.
universally.
that is so clear now.
more than ever before.

i shared.
you shared.
such deep mutual respect...
communal healing.
vulnerability.
our inner children.
children who are still children...

thank you all.
deeply.

thank you for sharing yourselves with me.
thank you for sharing your wounds with me - entrusting them to me.
i will take care.
immeasurable reverence for them all...
immeasurable reverence for you all...

day 20 - impromptu showing

at around 3pm this afternoon, i decided to invite a few close friends to a snow day work-in-progress experiment / showing. i proceeded to spend the next 5 hours finishing the plastic wall, recording a 9 minute piece of music for spatialized cassette player orchestra and live voice, and creating a movement score.

I WAS SO NERVOUS.

and i'm not a person who gets nervous about performing - at least not with my violin in my hand.

thank you friends for letting me practice and experiment with you and for your warmth, kindness, and total support! i learned A LOT.

day 19 - office hours

days 17 and 18 (and probably 20 and 21 too)

building a plastic wall - 2 and a half of them, really...

kickstarter, you teacher, you...

in a time like this, it would be so easy to focus on the negative, on the future, on what i DON'T have instead of all i do. this kickstarter campaign has been very interesting... an amazing teacher. its very nature cultivates the goal oriented mind - you set a goal, you work toward that goal, and if that specific goal isn't met by a certain time, you 'fail.' and then there's that whole layer of being dependent on other people valuing you and what you're doing enough to put time and energy and money into it in order to 'succeed'...

there are the people who support that you don't even know. there are the people who reveal how much they enjoy, appreciate, value, admire you and your work - and have secretly for quite some time. there are the avid cheerleaders. there are the bullies, hurling their own stuff at you. there are the close friends and family members who make not a peep. there are the close friends and family members who are your rock(s)...

it's hard to put yourself out there! it's hard to ask for help! it's hard to value yourself and what you do! it's hard to step forward and claim yourself as someone contributing to the whole in a field that is so devalued, thought of as selfish, and not considered a vital aspect of society and the cultivation of humanity as a whole! it's hard to be working outside of convention!

these are not complaints in any way, shape, or form! they are an acknowledgement of the process - the whole process.

it would be so easy to focus on the negative, focus on what i don't have, focus on that goal...

i choose the opposite!

i choose to focus on the 64 people who have stepped forward in support of me and pledged. i choose to focus on the buckets and buckets of support - the facebook and email shares, the deeply kind words. i choose to focus on my amazing support system - the people in my life who are so there, no matter what. i choose to focus on this INCREDIBLE opportunity. i choose to focus on the teachings and growth. i choose to focus on the overwhelming generosity. i choose to focus on the incredible power of community.

even if this project isn't funded, it wasn't a waste. it's not a failure. it doesn't take away all of the amazing support so many people have shown in such huge ways.

ammie brod, teresa valley, jherek bischoff, jose amador, brett love, alex peters, ian lucero, ted gill, ian rashkin, alex guy, edward wolcher, samantha boshnack, c. glen williams, mark, vanessa dewolf, sarah lippek, alejandro iragorri, mark burton, keely isaak meehan, catherine weghorst boerner, kacey, jason kapalka, paul taub, emily batlan, katarzyna, michele khazak, steve, bruce c. mitchell, alice, eddie grant, valerie holt, monica schley, paige barnes, melissa parson, christopher h. svara, jim kent, richelle gay, karl thunemann, amanda, judy and ed huston, milton, tamara weikel, robert mitchell, ben zamora, katie chevalier, rosa vissers, maria scherer wilson, paul budraitis, christin, andrew boscardin, anthony bacus, krk nordenstrom, jeffrey huston, adrienne, steve arntson, heather bentley, michael owcharuk and the seattle jazz composers ensemble, cynthia hughen, bfleenor, mandy greer, empeROAR fabulous, madeleine sosin rocha, thane keith...


i feel and appreciate your support WAY beyond the monetary...

i'm human, you're human, we're all human.
it is a shared experience.

DEEP GRATITUDE. IT IS AN HONOR.

days 10 and 11: trust and take care. it's okay not to know.

oh. right. the output of creative energy is different then the output of other kinds of energy... it is so incredibly fulfilling, it doesn’t seem like it could be the cause of such exhaustion, but it so is! and that is so okay! (and certainly not something to beat oneself up about)

after working and pushing myself generatively for 12 hours on monday, i woke up on tuesday with a migraine. a real doozy...

the first few days in the space were all about the physicality of the space – a sensory exploration, the moving in of things, and the beginnings of 2 large-scale installations. it was easy to feel progress. i could see it. but when you’re working in intangibles, (i.e. unrecorded music/sound/dance/performance), it can be so easy to forget what you’ve done within your process – to feel like you haven’t done anything in days! as i transition into explorations in other mediums, that funny little, “i haven’t done anything!” monster has started to (re)appear...

a couple days ago, i went on a furniture rearranging binge in the space just to have tangible evidence that i had in fact done something that day...slippery slope, paris...slippery slope...

it also seems to be becoming LESS clear what i am making and what i will be showing as i settle into week 2. at first glance, this is a bit unnerving. okay. perhaps more than a bit. but when i take a step back and really look at it, really look at the last year, really look at the last 11 days in the space, i realize it’s actually the most wonderful, amazing, glorious, spectacular, exciting thing that could be happening! it means i’m in uncharted territory within myself and my creativity! it means i’m in a genuine conversation with the space! it means i’m truly open, truly experimenting and in a state of discovery!

with all of this (and my seething migraine) in mind, yesterday was dedicated to rest.
i watched 4 movies and ate my first real meal in days.


dear self,

be gentle with yourself.
eat well.
rest well.
leave room for the physical/mental/emotional toll that processing deep emotions, memories, wounds, and aspects of self takes.

love,
paris

with a temporary history of only dreaming about - not doing - the work, i often forget that it is just that – history. it is not my current reality. i am not lazy. i am a hard worker. i am walking my talk. breaks are necessary. vital. imperative. non-negotiable. i don’t have to fear that i won’t ever start again if i stop. this is now. and now. and now. and now...

i have grown. i am doing. i am giving her permission. i am showing up and doing the work. the real work. MY real work. i just have to keep doing it. and i will.

so i can trust myself and take care of myself already!

the threshold

from a group writing session - 7/10/11
prompt: at the threshold of a door to the outside – in the 3rd person
2 minutes

he looked out at the bright green pasture. open. free. limitless. he was in the safety of his home. comfortable. safe. it enveloped him. he didn’t want to leave out of fear. he wanted to take a step – and then another and another and another...
he wanted to run far and fast. lay (lie?) in the grass – feel the textures on his feet and hands, feel the sun and the open air. frolic even. yes, that’s right – he wanted to frolic. freely. he wanted freedom of expression. but he wanted to stay enveloped.

prompt: the threshold is crossed
2 minutes

he’s running.
he’s opening himself up – physically.
he’s aware of (and okay with) all of his body parts.

the doorway looks so small now. a small bubble where he tried to hide all his wounds.

if you hide your wounds, they turn on you – consume you, take you down, hold you there...

he’s running and light is pouring out of his wounds.

day 6? i think.

day 5 - oh, hello again.

in spring 2008, i created a week-long residency for myself at a friends cabin in oregon. no internet, no tv/movies, no phone. the intention was to create music for a show i was working on at the time (bridging wounds: staying the course of uncertainty). it's really not quite right to call this place a "cabin" - it's fancier then any place i've ever lived. i was in no means, "roughing it."

i spent at least 50% of every day absolutely PARALYZED with fear. not fear of being alone - i'm very comfortable there - not fear of being in the woods, in a new place, without distraction, or fear of making (or so i thought), but real fear - fear for my life fear. fear of every sound i heard that i didn't make. fear of a mask on the wall. fear of certain rooms - their doors had to stay closed. it would start in that transitional time when day is leaving and night is rising. i could see it, but i couldn't. a shadow. a darkness. following me, but never quite meeting me face to face.

at the time, i attributed that experience to being something in that place and 'moved on.'

in september 2010, i started working (by myself) in studio current - a place for body-based artists to create and be and rehearse their own projects, and be part of a community that meets and shares and discusses together. i was working to release my body to movement after 5 years of dormancy followed by 5 years of trying to find my way back to it. when i look back in my notebooks, i kept using the word 'EXTRACTION.' and my movements were representative of that process too - pulling strings out of my chest, grabbing chunks of skin and offering them from my center out into the room...

there were a few times when i found that shadowy presence lurking. i didn't relate it to what i had felt in 2008. it was brief. i'm never in the space for more then 4hrs at a time.

i have since danced with this presence - in duet. and it has even been acknowledged by a collaborator...i hadn't told her anything about these experiences, and one day after i moved while she made music, she called it out in her own words - that i was dancing, in duet, with this darkness....

now, being in PROJECT: space available, i am realizing this is all the same thing - this shadow, this darkness - in my dreams, and externalized in waking life when i am in this certain creative state, facing myself - it's me. or it's a part of me. it's coming from me...

so, instead of being paralyzed with fear, i've decided to call it out. acknowledge it. speak to it. write to it. stand ready and willing to face it. dance with it.

shadow: i see you. i feel you.

day 4

exhausted, dirty, proud.

day 3 - night session

now i really have no idea what day or time it is...
i stayed up working until 6am and then slept a few hours in the space.
i was just moving intuitively (hadn't planned to work all night and was only flirting with the idea of sleeping here), but in retrospect, it was EXACTLY what needed to happen.
spending time with the space without light and in a dream state dissipated my fears.
lovely.
now, i dig in.

ready.
excited.
here.

PROJECT: space available residency - day 3.

fear and time are funny things

this space is scary at night!!!! especially when going to the bathroom (which is in the hall just outside of the space itself), or leaving the building entirely. earlier, i held my pee for about an hour while psyching myself up to make it out the door.

what is that?? unknown, yes. in a busy area, yes. but it feels like more...

i'll just say this - the sage and candles and sweet grass have been burning...

and how is it that i can feel time so distinctly in a day and night sort of way in a space that has no windows...?? intriguing. so very interesting.

just noticing...

outside of my funny fear, THE SPACE IS AMAZING. i started the morning with a lovely dance class, then packed up a preliminary round of artifacts, tools, instruments, supplies, and spent the rest of the day/eve doing a bit of moving in.

i've heard it has been a crazy stormy day... (perhaps it still is?)

an entering...

new, yet familiar. always as someone else's. empty. full of possibilities. uncomfortable. cold. exciting. intimidating. i feel afraid to touch it...

the advantage? of witnessing and participating in other's processes.

how to claim? root down - but not too far, without too much hold. free reign and ownership with impermanence. remember to breathe.

(i keep forgetting to breathe)

people in transition.
spaces in transition.
measurements of time in transition.
endings and beginnings and the space in between...

i can do this.
i am ready.
i can do this.
i am ready.
i can do this.
i am ready.
i can do this.
i am ready.

i, adult paris, grant you, kid paris, the permission to be and grow. it is safe. you can come out. you can be cultivated. i am strong enough. i can protect you now.