zagreb, croatia - april 14, 2011 - photo by guy davisFriday, April 15, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
dear laundry experience:
what are you trying to teach me? what is the lesson? i know there's a lesson...
---
only 4 shows and 2 long flights remain. everything i have in tow reeks of cigarettes (FUCK INDOOR SMOKING) and i wanted something clean and comfortable to wear for the journey home. by some miracle, the hotel we're in has FREE laundry on the 4th floor! i was ecstatic.
---
back and forth, back and forth, back and forth...i have visited the laundry room 7 times over a 9 hour period.
my laundry is still not done.
all my whites have been dyed a faded purple-ish dirt color.
in all my years of doing laundry, i have never once put the red sock in with the white load...
this was one of the extremely rare nights i could have actually gotten 8 hours of sleep.
i got 5 and a half.
IT IS NOW IN THE DRYER - which feels like an incredible triumph.
after an hour, it is still very wet.
van call is in 1 hour and 20 minutes.
i imagine everything will shrink to toddler size as well - you know, for good measure.
---
WHY??????
what are you trying to teach me?
what is the lesson?
i know there's a lesson...
---
only 4 shows and 2 long flights remain. everything i have in tow reeks of cigarettes (FUCK INDOOR SMOKING) and i wanted something clean and comfortable to wear for the journey home. by some miracle, the hotel we're in has FREE laundry on the 4th floor! i was ecstatic.
---
back and forth, back and forth, back and forth...i have visited the laundry room 7 times over a 9 hour period.
my laundry is still not done.
all my whites have been dyed a faded purple-ish dirt color.
in all my years of doing laundry, i have never once put the red sock in with the white load...
this was one of the extremely rare nights i could have actually gotten 8 hours of sleep.
i got 5 and a half.
IT IS NOW IN THE DRYER - which feels like an incredible triumph.
after an hour, it is still very wet.
van call is in 1 hour and 20 minutes.
i imagine everything will shrink to toddler size as well - you know, for good measure.
---
WHY??????
what are you trying to teach me?
what is the lesson?
i know there's a lesson...
Monday, April 11, 2011
a layer (stay strong / don't yield / don't hide)
i get quite the gamut of stares during my travels throughout the balkans and in instanbul, in particular. a disturbing amount of men look at me either as if i'm an an object that exists only for them to toss around in whatever way they see fit, or with absolute disdain. i can't walk down the street or go to the bathroom at a roadside rest stop without experiencing one or the other - or both.
as difficult as that is to hold / navigate / let go of / stay strong in myself in spite of, it is no accident that i inhabit this body. it is part of my work. it is part of my dharma. who i am doesn't have anything to do with my physical appearance, but it is a vehicle from which to do my job. my real job.
enact social change.
highlight the unified human experience.
see and share the similarities through experiencing the differences.
educate.
empower.
lead by example - not by force.
as difficult as that is to hold / navigate / let go of / stay strong in myself in spite of, it is no accident that i inhabit this body. it is part of my work. it is part of my dharma. who i am doesn't have anything to do with my physical appearance, but it is a vehicle from which to do my job. my real job.
enact social change.
highlight the unified human experience.
see and share the similarities through experiencing the differences.
educate.
empower.
lead by example - not by force.
istanbul
from the mouths of our incredible hosts:
> as of about 1 month ago, no one under 24 can attend a concert of live music
> our (male) host was ARRESTED for wearing yellow skinny jeans
> conservatism is rapidly on the rise: in 1999, 17% of the women chose to observe the covering of their heads with scarves. today, that number has risen to 70% of the population. i am told this is done because it excites and agitates the men to see a woman's hair - which, clearly, they have made the woman's responsibility. there are 80 million people in turkey.
> 2958 women have been killed this year. (we are not even 5 months in.) they are being shot down in the streets and no one is doing anything about it.
[waiting for a flight from skopje, macedonia - istanbul, turkey. photo by amy denio]
> as of about 1 month ago, no one under 24 can attend a concert of live music
> our (male) host was ARRESTED for wearing yellow skinny jeans
> conservatism is rapidly on the rise: in 1999, 17% of the women chose to observe the covering of their heads with scarves. today, that number has risen to 70% of the population. i am told this is done because it excites and agitates the men to see a woman's hair - which, clearly, they have made the woman's responsibility. there are 80 million people in turkey.
> 2958 women have been killed this year. (we are not even 5 months in.) they are being shot down in the streets and no one is doing anything about it.
[waiting for a flight from skopje, macedonia - istanbul, turkey. photo by amy denio]comparison / recreation / presence
i'm experiencing a much deeper level of exhaustion this time. i don't even have the energy to go on exploratory adventures in the brief time not already spoken for, or interact with many people (even my bandmates) - both of which have previously been what fed me and got me through the difficulties of the road.
i'm finding that i don't know how to be - but in a totally different way then on previous tours. i feel so much more comfortable within myself, but i feel mentally torn between what i'm feeling now, what i've felt on previous tours, and shoulds. there's the key word right there - SHOULD. i feel like i SHOULD be interacting with audience members more. i feel like i SHOULD be exploring more during stolen moments of downtime. i feel like i SHOULD be connecting with people and my present environment more - i SHOULDN'T be spending so much time writing...
i'm just approaching this round differently. i'm doing a different kind of work. i'm communicating and connecting differently. i'm doing what i need to do to take care of myself so i can perform every night. i am where i am. this time, i need lots of rest and lots of personal time.
i'm attempting to stay connected in a new way - to bridge the gap between the worlds in a way i haven't done before.
i'm gaining perspective and understanding every day. it's not for nothing. i'm doing good work. i have no power if i'm exhausted.
release the SHOULDs. embrace yourself and where you are. move intuitively and trust yourself. you don't want to waste it. you won't waste it. it isn't wasted. it's just different.
---
belgrade, serbia
the evening prayer is seeping through the window.
sacred spiral
a symbol of personal power.
the process.
a connection to the source through ritual treatment of motion.
step up. do your job.
the process.
a connection to the source through ritual treatment of motion.
step up. do your job.
teacher
what (you think) someone wants you to be vs. who (where / what) you really are.
we're fracturing and therefore no individual is nearly as powerful.
now, it feels so difficult in that screaming at a brick wall sort of way.
the weight and size and importance (and definition) of my REAL job is becoming clearer everyday.
don't push. just be. all you can do is do your job in every moment. do that. speak (difficult) truths. speak what you see. stand your ground.
lead by example - not by force.
lead by example - not by force.
lead by example - not by force.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
double yoko - experiment no. 1
BETH FLEENOR: clarinets / voice / electronics
PARIS HURLEY: violin / tape players
double yoko is a constantly shifting time-based entity that strives to process individual and collective experience to encourage growth and healing. from project to project our work can include improvisations, through-composed pieces, installations and performance art, among other outlets.
---
recorded and mixed live by doug haire for sonarchy radio (KEXP - 90.3 fm)
jack straw studios
seattle, wa
march 26, 2011
Monday, April 4, 2011
a message to those who don't respect the sacred exchange
do not intentionally and repeatedly move the mic from where i have placed it. do not push it into my face or violin. do not throw cigarettes at me. do not throw beer on me or my precious, irreplaceable instrument. do not film me inappropriately. and in case what i find inappropriate isn't clear: putting a camera inches away from my crotch, and/or trying to put it up my skirt far surpasses that line.
to those who so appallingly disrespected me: you have violated a sacred trust. i do not accept your violent behavior. next time, i will not hesitate to kick the camera out of your hand. know that i did not play for you.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
BOUNDARIES
"armadillo...
armor all my boundaries,
teach me my shields,
reflect all the hurt,
so i will not yield.
armadillo wears its armor on its back, its medicine a part of its body. its boundaries of safety are a part of its total being. armadillo can roll into a ball and never be penetrated by enemies.
what a gift it is to set your boundaries so that harmful words or intentions just roll off. your lesson is in setting up what you are willing to experience. if you do not wish to experience feeling invaded, just call on armadillo medicine.
a clue to how to proceed is to make a circle on a piece of paper and see it as a medicine shield. in the body of the shield, write all that you desiring to have, do, or experience. include all things that give you joy. this sets up boundaries that allow only these chosen experiences to be a part of your life. these boundaries become a shield that wards off the things which are undesirable to you. the shield reflects what you are and what your will is to others on an unconscious level. outside of the shield you may put what you are willing to experience by invitation only, for example, a visit from a long lost relative, or criticism from friends, or people needing handouts.
if armadillo has waddled into the cards you chose, it is time to define your space. you may have been too willing to let your home become a bus station. you may find that you cannot say no even when you know that you will have to cancel plans to be obliging. this routine can get old in a hurry!
it may be time to ask yourself the following questions:
1 - am i honoring the time i need for my personal enjoyment?
2 - do others treat me like a doormat?
3 - why do i always get upset when i'm taken for granted?
4 - is there a reason for my being a "yes" person?
all of the answers to these questions relate to setting up boundaries: what you will and won't do; what makes you feel uncomfortable and what is comforting to you. how you react in any circumstance has to do with your ability to be objective. you cannot be objective if you cannot tell where the other person's personality stops and where yours begins. if you have no boundaries, you are like a sponge. it will seem as if all the feelings in a room full of people must be yours. ask yourself if you are really feeling depressed, or if this feeling actually belongs to the person you are talking to. then allow armadillo's armor to slice in-between, giving you back your sense of self."
---
you will respect me.
you will respect me as a fellow human.
you will respect me as a woman.
you will respect me as a musician.
you will respect my instrument.
you will respect my body.
you will respect how i choose to take care of myself in order to do my job - whether or not it is your way.
you will respect me.
you will respect me.
YOU WILL RESPECT ME.
and i will uphold my end of this sacred agreement night after night.
i am so incredibly honored to do this work. thank you for teaching me. thank you for respecting me. thank you for listening - in the deepest sense. thank you, thank you, thank you.
armor all my boundaries,
teach me my shields,
reflect all the hurt,
so i will not yield.
armadillo wears its armor on its back, its medicine a part of its body. its boundaries of safety are a part of its total being. armadillo can roll into a ball and never be penetrated by enemies.
what a gift it is to set your boundaries so that harmful words or intentions just roll off. your lesson is in setting up what you are willing to experience. if you do not wish to experience feeling invaded, just call on armadillo medicine.
a clue to how to proceed is to make a circle on a piece of paper and see it as a medicine shield. in the body of the shield, write all that you desiring to have, do, or experience. include all things that give you joy. this sets up boundaries that allow only these chosen experiences to be a part of your life. these boundaries become a shield that wards off the things which are undesirable to you. the shield reflects what you are and what your will is to others on an unconscious level. outside of the shield you may put what you are willing to experience by invitation only, for example, a visit from a long lost relative, or criticism from friends, or people needing handouts.
if armadillo has waddled into the cards you chose, it is time to define your space. you may have been too willing to let your home become a bus station. you may find that you cannot say no even when you know that you will have to cancel plans to be obliging. this routine can get old in a hurry!
it may be time to ask yourself the following questions:
1 - am i honoring the time i need for my personal enjoyment?
2 - do others treat me like a doormat?
3 - why do i always get upset when i'm taken for granted?
4 - is there a reason for my being a "yes" person?
all of the answers to these questions relate to setting up boundaries: what you will and won't do; what makes you feel uncomfortable and what is comforting to you. how you react in any circumstance has to do with your ability to be objective. you cannot be objective if you cannot tell where the other person's personality stops and where yours begins. if you have no boundaries, you are like a sponge. it will seem as if all the feelings in a room full of people must be yours. ask yourself if you are really feeling depressed, or if this feeling actually belongs to the person you are talking to. then allow armadillo's armor to slice in-between, giving you back your sense of self."
---
you will respect me.
you will respect me as a fellow human.
you will respect me as a woman.
you will respect me as a musician.
you will respect my instrument.
you will respect my body.
you will respect how i choose to take care of myself in order to do my job - whether or not it is your way.
you will respect me.
you will respect me.
YOU WILL RESPECT ME.
and i will uphold my end of this sacred agreement night after night.
i am so incredibly honored to do this work. thank you for teaching me. thank you for respecting me. thank you for listening - in the deepest sense. thank you, thank you, thank you.
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